John Walker's Electronic House

Episode 85 of Rum Doings begins, as is quite topical for John, with discussions of wedding preparation. Then we ask the big question: who is still alive?

John speaks to some working class people, and then there’s chat about Dexter’s rehousing. Then there’s Nick’s exciting tale of a visit to the doctor! Tales of torturing our siblings, and then back to the wedding again. For instance, should John invite the Queen?

Oh, and there’s a new joke assignment, right at the end.

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[audio: http://rumdoings.jellycast.com/files/audio/rumdoings_e85.mp3]

Episode 84 of Rum Doings comes to you LIVE from when it was recorded, offering echoey discussions of all the most important topics of the day. Like whether we should ban printers. And honeymoons.

John has to break some bad news to Nick, and then pretty much ensures he won’t be having a great time on his honeymoon. Then we naturally move on to incest, and the advantages thereof. And how to continue the line of were-panthers. Then for some reason Nick brings up videogames again.

Why is Chicago great? Can you take a girl out of Wolverhampton? And are we immortalised by this rubbish? Learn about the importance of a safety pillow, and then Nick gives out his diet advice.

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[audio: http://rumdoings.jellycast.com/files/audio/rumdoings_e84.mp3]

Welcome to an echoey episode 83 of Rum Doings, recorded in our new echoey central London studios. In which we talk about some stuff. Look, I’m in the middle of moving house. I’ve been painting and washing and cleaning and unpacking and there’s so much more to do! You can find out what we talk about by listening! And you definitely should, because the ending is brill. Oh, and there are lots of answers to the mountain joke from 9,802 episodes back.

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[audio: http://rumdoings.jellycast.com/files/audio/rumdoings_e83.mp3]

In episode 82, recorded long, long ago, in the distant past, before what the world has come to know as “Those Riots”, Nick and John don’t ask why they don’t just fill all those potholes in? Instead there’s chat about the Creation Museum in Kentucky, to which neither John nor Nick has visited. And we strike upon the reason the dinosaurs died out!

Learn how to make mayonnaise, while Nick proves himself to be the new Michael Winslow, and soaks a mug of tea into John’s favourite chair. We prove that eggs are magic, and then plot selling Rock, Paper, Shotgun. Is the Bible magic? Is Rob Newman magic? And then some spectacular impressions of Melvin Bragg. We complain about more rubbish radio comedy, and then put our surviving listeners’ minds at rest.

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[audio: http://rumdoings.jellycast.com/files/audio/rumdoings_e82.mp3]

The behaviour of so many who have rioted has been shocking and appalling, and the stories coming out about some of the abysmal crimes committed have been horrendous. But something else that has upset me hugely throughout our week of English riots has been the use of the word “scum”.

Of course it upsets and offends me to see the looting, arson and brutality, and I’m weary with the tedium of those who cannot distinguish between asking questions and whatever it is people think counts as “justifying”. But one of the most concerning things to have come out of these events – to my eyes – has been the language used to describe the perpetrators.

“Scum” is such a vile word. It’s a word with a clear purpose: to dehumanise.

I, like everyone else alive, do not know the motivations and backgrounds of each and every one of the thousands who rioted. It seems likely to me that some did it because they are criminals, others because they are disenfranchised and had no structure that told them not to. Some because the saw opportunity that had never presented itself before, others because they were angry, others still because they’re cruel, selfish people who do not care about the consequences of their actions. There will be some whose backgrounds are so appalling that the veneer of society has never meant anything to them at any point. Others who fancied a widescreen TV and thought it was a chance to get away with it. And every single person who took part, for whatever reason, with whatever motivation, with whatever amount of deliberate malice or idiotic inertia, is a person with a story, a life, a set of experiences that took them to the day they rioted. And the moment they’re called “scum” is the moment they are discarded and dehumanised.

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In Rum Doings episode 81, we don’t discuss Amy Winehouse. But we do once more brave the Tesco Value White Rum. Then John tells a long boring story about getting screwed over by a letting agency. Fortunately we then move on to Nick’s criticising Rock, Paper, Shotgun. Who is the best writer there? It is John.

There’s a celebration of the Kindle, which inevitably brings us to the hideousness that is church bells, including some expert campanology. Then Nick has an Excellent Idea. Will Dexter attend John’s forthcoming wedding?

Then as everyone always likes best, we discuss a TV show at length. But it’s about magic! Penn & Teller’s Fool Us, for which it turns out Nick sat in the audience. Magic magic magic.

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[audio: http://rumdoings.jellycast.com/files/audio/rumdoings_e81.mp3]

In Rum Doings Episode 80 we don’t discuss whether anyone has the courage to stand up for the endangered British light bulb? But we add an extra season to the year.

Then it’s imperative that you contribute to this Kickstarter project, even though they’ve exceeded their total. It’s Ironbuds.

We consider our racism, homophobia, transphobia and so on. Then John lays out his plan for the Photograph From Behind service, and then of course there are some discussions of matters of the behind.

But then the highlight of the episode – we read out all the magnificent suggestions we’ve had for our “What did the ghost say when he won the prize?” John tells a terrible story about some headmaster, and then we discuss the important subject of toilet paper, and the weeing habits of babies.

More homework is set. We need answers to the following joke:

What did the mountain say when he went to the beach?

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[audio: http://rumdoings.jellycast.com/files/audio/rumdoings_e80.mp3]

This is uncanny:

Welcome person to Rum Doings Episode 79, an episode in which we don’t discuss how long it will be until English is a foreign language in England. But instead we do discuss, at significant length, Carol Vorderman. With additional notes for our non-UK listeners.

Of course we also share knowledge of the lovely, late Richard Whitely, Susie Dent, and the Countdown they shared. This is the sort of matter that makes Rum Doings essential.

It should probably be noted that this episode was recorded ahead of time, and we have since received some excellent responses to our ghost joke. We will certainly be discussing them in the next episode.

Do we think less less of a celebrity who uses the service they advertise? Naturally we find out yet another thing that annoys Nick about Andrew Collins, which inevitably takes us to pondering why Nick wouldn’t accept John as a daddy. Then a very painful discussion over how much money John would require to have Dexter put down. Then we work out when we’d murder. And discuss whether morality is arbitrary. And evolutionary theory. And Hebrew.

We then read out Ryan’s email to us, which once again confusingly seems to not like John as much as Nick, even though he’s clearly best.

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[audio: http://rumdoings.jellycast.com/files/audio/rumdoings_e79.mp3]

In Rum Doings 78 we don’t discuss who is to answer for the Olympic ticket fiasco furore. We then drink a suspicious-looking rhum, and instantly ban being foreign.

We then discuss… sugar! It’s going to be an award winning episode. Nick mentions this lecture. Sugar takes us to water, which takes us to how John is better than his sister. Then we move on to our greatest subject of all time, So Haunt Me. And learn of the sad death of Miriam Karlin.

We both have something of a revelation of the nature of our relationships, and then ask that ultimate question: have you ever seen a ghost? No, we don’t really ask that. But we do consider what we’d do if we ever thought we had. Then Nick explains to John that events he went through never took place.

Are we disappointed that we’ll never go into space? And plane crashes. Which brings us to Nick’s specialist subject of plane safety. You get to find out why planes sound like barking dogs.

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Make sure to follow us on Twitter @rumdoings. If you want to email us, you can do that here. If you want to be a “fan” of ours on Facebook, which apparently people still do, you can do that here.

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Or you can listen to it right here!

[audio: http://rumdoings.jellycast.com/files/audio/rumdoings_e78.mp3]