John Walker's Electronic House

This week we welcome back Martin Coxall for a second appearance, after last week’s was so lovely with him. Don’t worry if you’re a purest – we’ve since had him sealed in concrete and buried in the North Sea, and next time it will be back to just Nick and John.

The topic not under discussion is: Is the creeping cancer of violent videogames corrupting our kiddies? Moving quickly on, we discover that John wants to be a tall poppy, and then move on to the drinks Martin bought for us. A tub of coconut milk, and a tin of Nourishmilk. Which will be so revolting we pour it down the sink? How can you resist finding out? Then discover what Nick and Martin really think of John when he’s out the room.

Find out how to circumnavigate a gastric band, and then discussions of the two types of hunger. Nick lectures two fat people on how to be thin, which inevitably means discussing the Cheesecake Factory and desserts. Then a really quite heated debate about strawberries, woolly jumper apples, the ripeness of bananas, and the sheer arrogance of rhubarb.

Which countries have the worst breakfasts? And what’s the best offal? Then continuing what’s become a food theme, there’s more discussion of custard and Angel Delight than you could possibly have hoped for. If you wish to defend chocolate custard, get in touch at the email address below. And after, thermal conductivity.

Which would be more dangerous to come back to life, the raptor or the t-rex? Learn how to bring them back to find out! And how Ridley Scott could kill us all. What noise did a dodo make? And where did chickens come from?

And then… I’m not even going to associate myself with it. I think it might be the funniest moment on Rum Doings ever. Be warned, it’s not okay for gentle ears. In fact, let’s never speak of it.

Don’t keep it all for yourself, let other people know about this episode, by whichever means you think best. And writing a review on iTunes helps us a great deal. Thanks to everyone who has, and the lovely things they’ve said. We love you.

If you want to email us, you can do that here. If you want to be a “fan” of ours on Facebook, for some ghastly reason, you can do that here.

To get this episode directly, right click and save here. To subscribe to Rum Doings click here, or you can find it in iTunes here.

This week in episode 22 we’re not discussing: Is Britain now too much in the thrall of the celebrity culture? Which is harder to say than you might imagine.

Joining us this week, as a special guest, is non-celebrity and friend of ours, Martin Coxall. Nick and I have known him for almost as long as we’ve known each other, so he’s a natural inclusion into this nonsense. Martin sits in the creaky chair, and provides the creaking John would more usually offer.

Things begin with criticising John’s road rage, then criticising John’s pronunciation of years, and a quick insult to the pope. Then we open the mysterious bag containing a mystery rum gift from Victoria, Nick’s wife. What will it be? Will it inevitably be horrible? But then, calamity! An entire pint of coffee is spilt on the carpet, and gets dangerously close to dominating the entire recording.

Which is better for you? Special K, or Frosties? We reveal the TRUTH. We rant against the sanctimonious nature of breakfast cereals, the fear of buying tampons, and then more criticising of John for knowing about periods. That of course brings three men to discuss periods to a depth you probably didn’t want.

What brought down the Romans? The shared bum-sponge we reveal. We complain about QI, ponder the life of the hobo, and confirm the importance of clotted cream. Then of course it’s time to criticise John some more, this time in a reprise of berating him for his consumption of margarine. Sorry about the volume at this point, and your ear drums. Martin exclusively reveals what doesn’t cause cancer. And here’s where you can find out what does and doesn’t cause cancer according to the Daily Mail.

We then have an email about Nick’s dislike of clouds, which somehow becomes an explanation of how wretched Facebook is. Next, thunderstorms. Then religions and the census, and how one might go about being unbaptised, before we dissolve into a rather boring discussion of Star Wars, pleasantly interrupted by a sophisticated criticism of the French language.

Don’t keep it all for yourself, let other people know about this episode, by whichever means you think best. And writing a review on iTunes helps us a great deal. Thanks to everyone who has, and the lovely things they’ve said. We’d appreciate it.

If you want to email us, you can do that here. If you want to be a “fan” of ours on Facebook, for some ghastly reason, you can do that here.

To get this episode directly, right click and save here. To subscribe to Rum Doings click here, or you can find it in iTunes here.

Recording in Nick’s brother’s “studio”, in episode 21 we immediately find ourselves discussing the splendid subject of slugs. Before we’ve even introduced the subject we aren’t discussing. Which is: Is bad language the sign of a poor vocabulary, and a poorer imagination?

Have you ever rifled through someone’s bathroom cabinet? Surely no one really would. But what about interviewing technique? Should you allow the interviewee to answer a question? And how about the works of Mr and Mrs Christ’s Enterprise? These are things we talk about! There’s chat about conspiracists, the absolute fact that the Taleban is the Queen’s personal army, and then we celebrate mighty man of history, King Cnut.

Gravelly-voiced singers, the perils of copyright, and Nick’s fascinating discussion of the colour of the sky, all bring us to the ultimate email we’ve received. I use “ultimate” quite deliberately. I feel quite sure it can’t be beaten. If you want to prove us wrong, contact us here. Find out quite how uncommitted you are compared to these two.

We leap like verbal gazelles from jerk chicken to President Clinton, Amnesty failings to Sonny and Cher’s involvement in the situation in the Middle East. And yes, of course, Ramsey’s Messianic Kitchen Nightmares. Learn John’s criminal history, and then… a big musical finish! What an episode.

Do let other people know about this episode, by whichever means you think best. And writing a review on iTunes helps us a great deal. Thanks to everyone who has, and the lovely things they’ve said. We’d appreciate it.

To get this episode directly, right click and save here. To subscribe to Rum Doings click here, or you can find it in iTunes here.

In a very special edition of Rum Doings, we are joined by comedy writer John Finnemore. We have discussed Mr Finnemore’s work on Rum Doings in the past, especially the fantastic Radio 4 sitcom Cabin Pressure. He’s worked on very many radio and television comedies, perhaps most notably as a lead writer for Mitchell & Webb on both Radio 4 and BBC 2, and despite this still agreed to join us for our twentieth episode.

There’s a topic not under discussion this week too: how are we going to inoculate ourselves against Britain’s road rage epidemic.

You’ll not be surprised to learn much of the topics this week are radio and TV comedy – subjects we’ve spoken about a great deal before. We begin with Cabin Pressure, and quickly move on to the sitcoms that inspired Finnemore, especially Yes Minister. Then find out which surprising 70s sitcom David Mitchell is a fan of, as well as enjoy a brief dissection of The Fall And Rise Of Reginald Perrin. Nick attempts to get John W in trouble, telling tales about his disliking of Fawlty Towers, and then everything goes horribly wrong…

Finnemore defends Victoria Wood’s ‘dinnerladies’. Oh dear. It all falls apart. It almost comes to blows.

Fortunately we quickly move on to John Shuttleworth, good comedy we can all agree on. This takes us to Dad’s Army, which in turn brings us back to Cabin Pressure, especially the desert episode and the fantastic appearance of John Sessions. Nick then launches into a brilliant attempt to tell Finnemore that he’s wrong about the nature of one of his own characters – one he even voices himself. This leads to a lovely discussion of the nature of happiness, as viewed through the Goons.

After more discussion of Cabin Pressure, then talk of the relationship between The Mitchell & Webb Sound and Look, we arrive at the topic of comedians doing advertising. Then changing from commercials to the other side, there’s talk of why the BBC is such a great thing but so desperately lacking self-confidence.

Huge thanks to John Finnemore for joining us for our twentieth episode. We strongly recommend you get hold of Cabin Pressure. It’s a funny and warm radio sitcom of the like that’s very rare today. You can buy both series from Audible here and here, or from iTunes here and here. Oh, and we should probably add that you can hear Finnemore on this week’s episode of The Now Show, 6.30, Friday on Radio 4. Yes, we’re aware of the irony of this.

Do let other people know about this episode, by whichever means you think best. And writing a review on iTunes helps us a great deal. We’d appreciate it.

If you want to email us, you can do that here.

To get this episode directly, right click and save here. To subscribe to Rum Doings click here, or you can find it in iTunes here.

Episode 19 is here. This week’s topic isn’t: Why are we English too ASHAMED to celebrate St. George’s Day with due dignity and respect, properly? Which is embarrassing to even type.

Things more realistically begin with an explanation of the spiteful nature of tea, pet names for pets, and that which we’ve changed from hating to liking. Find out what temperature we’ve decided will keep your babies alive, and how John disagrees with all baby-based wisdom, leading to Nick denying his daughter her wings.

Of course we talk about Mr Blobby, and Noel’s House Party, and the Late Late Breakfast Show. But you’d been expecting that. And find out who electrocuted an elephant to death. Hear Nick play the mouth-banjo. Don’t hear Nick tell his Oxford interview story. But do hear stories of examinations.

This takes us back to school days, remembering teachers good and bad, and times we went out of our way to get in trouble. And then, more positively, favourite teachers.

There’s a few things we ask for in return for this lovely gift. Could you retweet about it, demand people on forums have a listn, or find any other way to tell new people to listen? And writing a review on iTunes helps us a great deal. We’d appreciate it.

To get this episode directly, right click and save here. To subscribe to Rum Doings click here, or you can find it in iTunes here.

In an unprecedented eighteenth episode of Rum Doings we don’t discuss what we will do on Earth about potholes. However, we do quite brilliantly demonstrate how to drink. And then immediately return to our favourite topic of recent times: ketchup. Via some quite astonishing observation comedy, of course. But we promise the ketchup talk is confined to only the beginning.

Then there’s happy stories of service experiences, which leads us to what will be remembered by history as the greatest series of “time” themed puns mankind has ever heard. And welcome to the new job title: the shorekeeper. Then there’s Nick’s racist t-shirt and his mule child.

Then it’s time for part two of The Rules, which those who didn’t want us to do any more will be pleased to learn completes the collection. Where we learn that all our listeners should all embrace death, because they can’t be bothered to promote us or write to us.

There’s a few things we ask for in return for this present. Could you retweet about it, or find a way to tell new people to listen? And writing a review on iTunes helps us a great deal. We’d appreciate it.

To get this episode directly, right click and save here. To subscribe to Rum Doings click here, or you can find it in iTunes here.

In our seventeenth episode of Rum Doings we don’t ask the question: Who will diffuse Britain’s ticking immigration time-bomb? Instead we focus on more pressing matters: plum jam and ketchup.

Before we start, just to say, last week only one person bothered to retweet the Rum Doings new episode announcement. It’s all we ask listeners to do – just help us promote it. It’s pretty bloody sad when people can’t be bothered to do just that. So please, help out. Onto the episode…

We briefly recognise how awful the Simpsons is, before tucking into a glass of plum sake, and moving on to the dominant subject of the episode: Britain’s miserly distribution of tomato ketchup. This episode, recorded on Monday, refers to the harrowing events of the preceding Valentine’s Day. Along the way we explore the options for entertainment available at Cheddar Gorge for a remarkable bargain price!

When we finally get to the restaurant story you can enjoy Nick’s precise use of the word “niggardly“, and then join us in our celebration of British service culture.

This then moves on to the distribution of crisps on aeroplanes, volumes of tea, and a mysterious newspaper clipping from 1997.

There’s a few things we ask for in return for this present. Could you retweet about it, or find a way to tell new people to listen? And writing a review on iTunes helps us a great deal. We’d appreciate it.

To get this episode directly, right click and save here. To subscribe to Rum Doings click here, or you can find it in iTunes here.

A few decades back something went horribly wrong in the UK. At a certain point, as a nation, we reversed the order of priority between customer and service provider. And nothing reveals this contempt demonstrated to consumers better than the provision of ketchup.

Now we all know that the way things should work is the volume of ketchup available being inversely proportional to the poshness of the establishment. Cheap and cheerful cafes should have a big bottle of the stuff available on the table. Then as you get more posh the amount drops down. A reasonably nice pub chain will, for instance, give you a ramekin dish filled with red sauce. Go from chain to restaurant and now the ramekin is only leant to you momentarily, for you to teaspoon as much onto your plate as you feel you can get away with. (I’ve declared no shame at this point, and will gladly empty it out – they’ve got more.) Next rung is they maintain complete control of the ketchup distribution, titrating a single millilitre of it onto your plate for you. Then above that requesting ketchup results in your being asked to leave.

That’s all how we expect it to be in the lunatic version of society we should concede to accept. This is not something the UK is capable of adhering to. Because in the UK ketchup is a rare commodity, brought in by vast merchant ships from distant lands, traded for gold and precious jewels. It is an exotic elixir so rare and unusual that it must be reserved as an offering to the gods, or for visiting kings of neighbouring empires. We must preserve our precious ketchup resources, and we must ensure that no customer is able to dip their chips in more than half a teaspoon’s worth, distributed in tiny plastic sachets that can only be opened using teeth.

Which is strange, because when you go into supermarkets they seem to sell enormous containers of it for insignificant amounts of money. This is indeed quite a mystery.

It is with all this in mind that I say: bring your own ketchup to the Hillside Cottage in Cheddar Gorge.

(continue reading…)

Hello. This would be episode 16 of Rum Doings. We’re not afraid to not discuss the subjects that aren’t topical, and such it is that we’re not discussing the true meaning of Christmas.

Instead we begin with a celebration of oat milk, whatever on Earth it might be. First the carton is dissected, and then the insides are consumed. Will we like it? Will we paw at our tongues?

Fond memories of the daily porridge man arise, before we knuckle down to this week’s theme: a discussion of The Rules. This causes conversation about how to pronounce clip-art, pause buttons at the cinema, cats drinking from toilets, boobies, the pleasure of being rained on, hole digging, Dick and Dom In Da Bungalow jokes, and John’s rather heartwarming rules for bravery.

Could you help out? There’s a few things we ask for in return for this present. Could you retweet about it, or find a way to tell new people to listen? And writing a review on iTunes helps us a great deal. We’d appreciate it.

To get this episode directly, right click and save here. To subscribe to Rum Doings click here, or you can find it in iTunes here.

It’s the fifteenth episode. They said it would never last this long. This “they” being the people who knew we were going to try to drink Tesco Value W-hite Rum.

This week not under discussion is the matter: has the iPad lived up to the media hype? So instead we talk about John’s loss of nomenclature, and then almost kill ourselves with a frighteningly awful liquid.

This week’s episode is mostly dictated by the commands of one “Royston”, who left a comment on episode 13 in which he listed subjects he would like to hear discussed. Somehow missing his opening entry, “Wales”, we otherwise followed his instructions. Which were:

St Wilgefortis
Battlestar Galactica Action Figures
Sufjan Stevens
Favoured Condiments

Which pretty much sees us through. It leads us toward discussions of decaffeinated horrors and fishfingers, and that’s us done.

We’d love it if you passed this link on, told friends, recommended us in forum threads, pre-loaded it on mp3 players and then handed them out to all your family, and so on. Also, if you would, write us a review on horrible, horrible iTunes. That would be splendid.

To get this episode directly, right click and save here. To subscribe to Rum Doings click here, or you can find it in iTunes here.