Author Archive
Latest Weather Report
by John Walker on Feb.08, 2007, under The Rest
It’s snowing!
Hunt And Kill
by John Walker on Feb.03, 2007, under The Rest
Ok, I’m going to try and not just post about the kitten forever more, but forgive me this:
My Intolerable Working Conditions
by John Walker on Feb.01, 2007, under The Rest
And a quick trip to the vet this morning resulted in Dexter’s ear mites getting treated, the first necessary jab, and drops for his gummy eye. Otherwise the vet was really impressed with him, and how healthy he was.
Thankfully he’s sleeping now exactly where you see him above, as this morning saw the discovery of the mouse cursor, and a brutal attack on my monitor, followed by somehow firing off about thirty applications at once, and then creating this really rather impressive graph with Excel.
If that mobile phone rings, I think he’ll hit the ceiling.
Kitten
by John Walker on Jan.31, 2007, under The Rest
The inevitable further photos.
We need a name. Suggestions below please.
Cats And Taxes
by John Walker on Jan.31, 2007, under The Rest
Back from America, settled into the new house, broadband running (although not yet at full speed), and this afternoon we might well be getting a kitten. Could life be better?
Well, it could be, obviously. I could have spent my week doing something other than filling in taxes and all the accompanying anxiety. Or I could have less work that I’m behind on. Or I could not have yet another stupid head cold, thanks to my snot-filled nephew. (Although I can’t get cross with him, because he’s so ridiculously cute, especially after I took him upstairs to outside Graham’s bedroom door, and he obligingly screamed for a bit to wake him up (it was 1pm, in my and Wil’s defense)).
But then, kitten! Kitten! Tiny little bundle of fluffcute. That’s if we get it. It might be a disgusting, mutant creature, intent on our grisly deaths, or worse, one of those awful blue cats with the smug faces. Expect to see photos should it fail to disappoint. Expect to see 3900 photos now Craig’s got his new camera.
(Of course, should we not get the cat, then we’ll have the no pussy blues – This joke (c) Graham Smith)
An Explanation
by John Walker on Jan.25, 2007, under The Rest
So, since moving house I’ve had no broadband, and dial-up’s too painful to blog with. Especially when I can’t read the internet all day long. But now I’m in Washington DC, awake at 5.30am, writing this on my DS. The good news is when I get back I’ll have the fastest internet in the world.
All The Right Moves
by John Walker on Jan.15, 2007, under The Rest
Hello The Internet.
This last weekend I moved house. I’m now out the skank-o-flat shared with horrid Jon Hicks, and now in a lovely house at the top of the tallest hill, sharing with Craig Pearson, Graham Smith, and, er, horrid Jon Hicks.
So, no internet at the moment (currently stealing raw internet from Future), and so site silence for a while. Will report. Out.
Top Something YouTube Videos Of 2006
by John Walker on Jan.09, 2007, under The Rest
1. Dick In A Box – Justin Timberlake/SNL
Who know he had it in him? Or indeed that SNL had a joke left in them? It’s too obvious a choice, too widespread an internet phenomenon, but it’s obviously the best YouTube video of the year. NBC know what they’re doing with YouTube. Every network is trying to find a way to milk the memesis, but few are embracing the common sense of using it for defying the retardation of FCC regulations. No sooner had all the unofficial recordings of the censored broadcast version hit the site when NBC surprised everyone by posting an uncensored and usurping high quality alternative, now with just shy of 10 million views. (This is no defense of NBC. The hateful cretins are forcing YouTube to remove many clips of their daily talk shows, even when they contain promotions for their own future programming – the idiots).
But the Dick In A Box song isn’t simply a case of being barely rude on national television. It was being barely rude in a really funny way. The song is a superb spoof of the whole nu-crooning, and who better to send it up than its own crowned king, Timberlake? He wasn’t a one-trick pony either. His Ashton Kutcher pisstake is fantastic, and surprisingly cruel.
The greatest moment is certainly the counted explanation of how to create the seasonal gift, becoming the hook that’s inspired a thousand reply songs. It’s as peurile as its harshest critic can proclaim, and that’s why it’s great.
2. OK Go – Here It Goes Again
Had either of the excellent albums been released in 2006, they would certainly have appeared in my forgotten albums of the year. OK Go are far more than the novelty YouTube video band they’ve become. And again, as above, there couldn’t be a more obvious pick, but once more, it’s deserved.
The video that caused the real fire in 2005 was A Million Ways, which is still generating ludicrous numbers of copyist YouTube videos, from school performances to people far too old at parties. The choreography is unquestionably sublime, managing to capture snatches of the most famous video dances of the last forty years. However, this year’s was even more impressive.
This is partly thanks to Here It Goes Again being a far better song, and partly because, well, dancing on treadmills is just awesome. Six treadmills, four men, one continuous shot. I daren’t imagine how many takes. And quite a few less copy videos, oddly enough. That, however, doesn’t dampen the attention, with the version of the video linked below alone recording over 3,200,000 views. There’s few bands that could make such a boast, let alone those that almost no one could name a third song by. Check out both albums, they’re well worth it.
(more to come)
Diary Of A Coffee Addict
by John Walker on Jan.06, 2007, under The Rest
Everyone has their gimmicks. One of mine has been coffee. People knew the easy way to get me a present was to have it coffee related. Youth groups I ran used to mock me for always having a mug of coffee in my hand (a beautiful leaving present made by Christ Church in Guildford contained cartoons and comments and even a disturbingly rude poem, all mentioning it). Everyone knows I make a great cup of coffee with my favourite toy, my espresso machine. Everyone’s experienced rants about the clucking idiots who stand in front of me in coffee shops and order their elaborate cream-based puddings while I’m stuck waiting for some hot water pumped through ground beans. And God knows I’ve got hours of material on instant ‘coffee’, and the Satanic “tea rooms” that charge money for it. (Good grief Britain, it was A WAR RATIONING MEASURE. Every other country in the world threw it in the bin the moment the bombs stopped dropping, and we’re still, sixty years later, drinking this freeze-dried crap, and worse, CHARGING MONEY FOR IT? Would the same cafes cook with powdered eggs? Do their staff draw stocking lines down the backs of their legs with an eyebrow pencil? Answers: I imagine they probably do, the disgusting hellholes).
I’ve not had a cup of coffee for nine weeks.
Before pedantic twitheads get too worked up, I’m drinking decaf, and yes, it has “coffee” on the label. But really, to make that argument, you’ve clearly no idea about coffee at all.
The doctor told me I must stop. Not because I was glugging back crazed amounts. I was genuinely having two or three mugs a day. And the “two” part was often true. They were damn good mugs of coffee, and certainly considerably strong (how coffee should be consumed, milky weirdos). But it wasn’t quite the intravenous drip it could have been. But because it was likely linked to my bundle of anxiety issues, and it was a first thing to rule out.
My response surprised me as I was spluttering it. I began bargaining with him. I genuinely said, “But I can’t! I have… a really expensive espresso machine.” He gave me a look.
It took about two weeks and the discovery of a bearable decaf before I could do this, but on that daythat was it. No more. Cold turkey. And it hurt. Oh man, it hurt.
Two weeks of constant headaches – proper cracking headaches that made me want to bring back trepanning – greeted my every morning, through to about mid-afternoon. I was grumpy and annoyed (and inevitably annoying), and so deeply frustrated to know that all I needed was one mug and all the pain would seep away. That’s an amazing part of coffee – it’s an instantly acting drug. Having clearly been worryingly addicted for years, missing a mug in a morning (and that would be all my system required – one in the morning – the rest were just because it tastes so damned good) lead to a miserable headache. Getting a mug and knocking it back used to cause a strange fizzing noise in the back of my neck as I felt the pain immediately drain away. Good grief, how was that not ringing alarm bells?
But I did not. I haven’t chipped once. Even in the face of Nick’s* peculiar devilish enabling, telling me, “It’s ok to just have one, go on, have a treat, you’re on holiday,” I resisted.
It’s odd to get up in the morning, do some “work”, and then notice it’s 2pm and I’ve not had a mug of decaf. It’s also great to drink it at night without getting fidgity. It’s still an empty drink, missing that essential ingredient and purpose, but thank goodness for Taylors of Harrogate, and their D:Caff range. And oh sweet joy! In finding that link I’ve just spotted they make a strength 5! That was the key to breaking the addiction – finding a strong enough blend. The people who tend to drink decaf appear to be the sorts of wishywashy fools who want their coffee all thin and miserable. D:Caff’s strength 4 was my magical medicine, freeing me from the caffeine. But yippee! A strength 5 for further enjoyment. It’s going to be hard to get hold of it, it seems, but dammit, it’s out there.
What most annoys me is that the doctor was right. I now sleep within an hour of going to bed. It’s so incredibly galling to acknowledge, but I can’t deny it. Before it took me about two hours to settle and sleep, now it takes me less than one. Raw facts. Goddammit.
Because, you see, I really like coffee. I was also worryingly addicted, planning ahead if I was ever away so I could be certain to have access to something decent. Nine weeks on and the addiction is tethered, but the drink remains my favourite. Sadly no one I’ve found makes a decent grind for an espresso machine, so that still lies dormant. But yes, here it is: I stopped drinking real coffee.
*Which reminds me: I will finish the Cotswolds story, as the best nonsense is still to come, including a great instant decaf rant