Review: Tony Hawk’s American Sk8land
by John Walker on Dec.23, 2005, under The Rest
Talking of going a bit wonky, after some absolutely superb GBA conversions of the series, Vicarious itself had a bit of a spaz over the Underground games. That it was able to take the high-fallutin’ 3D skateboarding games and convert them into something workable in 2D on the four-button GBA was impressive. That it managed to make them eminently playable games was a thing of wonder. But as Neversoft lost sight of its own franchise, so did the handheld ports.
But as with so many, it seems, the challenge of coding for the DS has given Vicarious a fresh charge of enthusiasm and imagination, and what we’ve ended up with here is a unique entry into the Hawk series, and one that’s really rather lovely.
Another good DS game! Obviously I’ll be joining in with the tiresome blogging of top 10 type lists soon, and the DS will have a far more prominent position than I could ever have imagined.
A Broken Man
by John Walker on Dec.22, 2005, under Rants
I’m falling to bits.
Not in a rubbish metaphorical/emotional way, but in an actually bits falling off type of way.
First and foremost I’ve got a big fold of skin on the pad of my left index finger, flapping about like a flag, BEGGING ME to bite it off. But it’s a trick. A trick I’ve fallen for too many times already. “Eat me,” it whispers. “Gnaw my loose flap off – it will bite clean and order will be restored.” But it’s a lie. A cruel and wicked lie. Each nibble leads to another further tear. There’s currently a 2cm long streak of absent skin, which reaches a good 5mm at its most broad. Yesterday I had the good idea of putting a plaster on it to stop me from eating my entire hand, and to muffle its luring voice, but today I realised that it was a rubbish idea after all. Plasters make things moist, and moisture prevents the wound from solidifying. It only encouraged the flappage. So now I have entered a crazed endurance test, knowing it’s there, hearing it entice me, and somehow not consuming my own flesh.
Also broken is my back. After a year and a half of sitting an a peculiar 45 degree angle at this desk – the only way it’s possible to accomodate my monitor’s ludicrous depth – something in my right shoulder blade has had quite enough contortion, and now the moment I begin typing I get shooting pains beginning in my back, and rushing down my right arm and into my fingers. THIS HURTS. WRITING THIS HURTS. But it is my duty to tell you of my painful self-consumption and twisted deformities. I shall not shirk on my duty.
Talking of shooting pains down the arm, my left arm now has the proud boast that it requires An Operation. Last week I was electrocuted by a doctor to prove it. I joked to people, saying I was going to be electrocuted, knowing as I did that they would be passing a current through my ulna nerve for this test. I hadn’t realised that it would HURT A LOT. They actually did electrocute me. The pulses of deadly electricity caused my hand to open and close itself involuntarily, thus making me more machine than man, and concluded with the announcement that my ulna nerve has indeed become caught up with a bad crowd in the elbow.
My legs are working for now.
I’m going to my parents’ place for Christmas tomorrow. Back on the 28th. IF I LIVE THAT LONG.
Review: Mario & Luigi: Partners In Time
by John Walker on Dec.21, 2005, under The Rest
That’s all anyone wants to know.
It is every bit as good as Superstar Saga, and it is worth buying immediately. The next eighteen million words will be spent reassuring you of these truths.
If you have, as I once did, come late to the world of Mario’s RPG adventures, you’ll probably feel that sense of frustrating outsider-i-ness when you see intros like that. I remember when Mario & Luigi: Superstar Saga came out two years ago, and everyone was explaining how it was a sequel to Super Mario RPG, and how it had never been released in the UK, and how wonderful it was and why you were bad for never having even heard of it, let alone played it nineteen times through. And I thought, hmmph, well then, this game won’t be for me.
I can’t remember why, but I bought it and played it anyway. Perhaps it was a desire to defy those smug insiders. And 34 hours and 36 minutes of game time later, I was one of them. You’ll understand when the next one comes out, because by then you’ll be all caught up and in on the deal.
Fantastic to review a game this good.
Review: Battles of Prince of Persia
by John Walker on Dec.17, 2005, under The Rest
Tomb Raider: Leap of Faith. The extremely popular Lara Croft is back! And she’s bringing with her all the excitement of everyone’s favourite party game, Twister! That’s right – the DS’s unique touch-screen finally provides the possibility of body-contorting interactive family fun, brought to life in the Tomb Raider universe in this brand new text-based adventure!
Splinter Cell: Fire In The Hole. Sam Fisher’s awesome adventures have so far explored the dizzying worlds of international espionage. But what about when Sam has time off? Finally this missing portion of his life is brought to players through the magic of TV’s Wipeout. In an exclusive deal, Paul Daniels provides his voice for the episodes of everyone’s favourite daytime quiz that Sam will watch from the comfort of his armchair. Using the DS’s microphone, players will be able to create Sam’s voice, uselessly shouting answers at the pre-recorded footage on the screen. Sometimes while wearing those green goggles.
Battles of Prince of Persia. Set between the events of Sands of Time and Warrior Within, this tantalising latest tale of the nation’s favourite Prince finally answers those questions you had about what he was up to all that time. In the form of a customisable card game! That’s right – at long last the full extent of the Persia licence is exploited in a turn-based strategy, where Advance Wars meets Magic: The Gathering, in the tile-based battle sim card game everyone’s been asking for… Oh, wait. Hang on. Did someone already do this one?
One day, when the world is good and pure, my reviews shall be ALL NEEDLESS INTRODUCTION.
Doodle: Scary Veg
by John Walker on Dec.15, 2005, under Doodles
Apology to Daniel Emery
by John Walker on Dec.14, 2005, under The Rest
I feel rather obliged to post pointing out that Daniel Emery says he is not in fact RAM Raider.
It’s an interesting one. Unfortunately Emery has the impression that I have been the source of this information. This is certainly not the case. As is the way of the games industry, the name flew around from all manner of sources, until everyone was convinced. Late in the day I made a reference to this on Stu’s forum which was almost immediately deleted, and then last night used the name here when linking to the site.
I want to say that I was merely going with the received opinion as much as anyone else, and in fact made the deliberate decision to not connect the two names publically until I thought it fair game after the award I received yesterday. Unfortunately, I did this anyway with the comment on World of Stuart, and played a large part in perpetuating the rumour.
EDIT: In fact, it was somewhat confirmed when ‘RAM Raider’ stated that he bloody well was Emery here.
I apologise for my part in associating Daniel Emery with the wretched ‘RAM Raider’, as it’s not a connection an apparently innocent man would really want to carry. This isn’t a fudged trying-to-get-out-of-trouble response. I don’t consider myself in any trouble to get out of. I feel bad for having perpetuated something that apparently isn’t true. Although I remain fascinated to learn quite why ‘RR’ has made the statements he has.
What’s most annoying is that ‘RR’ doesn’t merit or deserve any of this attention, and I’m faintly annoyed to now be so embroiled in the mire after only throwing in a couple of comments to the mix. If the coward would only name himself, it would make life easier for lots of people.
Award Winning Games Journalist
by John Walker on Dec.14, 2005, under The Rest
This is an exciting day indeed.
Finally, after seven years of freelance games journalism, I have won an award.
I have been presented with “Worst Review Of 2005” by ‘RAM Raider’.
This is in recognition of this piece of incoherent drivel posted by the lunatic hacks at Eurogamer.
It’s quite an honour to be identified as the creator of the worst piece of games reviewing in an entire year, especially in the face of increasingly tough competition.
Review: Dynasty Warriors: Advance
by John Walker on Dec.08, 2005, under The Rest
Hudda-dun-hudda-dun, dagga-dagga-dagga-dagga-dagga-dagga, dun dun DUN!
Select Mode: Cereal Mode; **Beverage Mode**; Toast Mode.
Milk Type: Skimmed; Semi-skimmed; Full Fat; **None**; Goat; Yak; Wolf.
Spoon Type: Long Handle; **Short Handle**; Deep Cup; Shallow Cup; Plastic; Metal; Rubidium.
OH PLEASE STOP! I’m just trying to make a cup of coffee! It doesn’t need to be this hard.
Seamless link to review:
Best review ever!
Doodle: Protest
by John Walker on Dec.08, 2005, under Doodles
Pleasingly appropriate after yesterday.