John Walker's Electronic House

Make that £480.

Some complete bastard in Romania has spent today robbing me.

Romania!

The bank called, saying there were some suspicious transactions taking place on my debit card, and they wanted to check them with me. A delightful gentlemen ignored all my questions and told me that he would suspend the card, and that I should wait two to three working days before enquiring further. “But will I get my money back?!” I blustered. “I am unable to answer that…” he replied in broken English, reeling off something I couldn’t understand about why he couldn’t reply. “Ok, I understand,” I said, “But what is the normal procedure?” “I’m unable to answer that…” “No, I just want to know, what is the usual procedure in these cases? How do I go about getting my money back?” “I’m unable to answer that…”

I decided to phone the number on the back of my debit card for enquiries. A machine voice told me that if I entered my bank details, my call would be answered more quickly. I did so, and was promptly told my account balance by an old machine lady, then dumped to the default menu. Odd. I tried the Stolen Card number, which is ingeniously also printed on the card. Choosing the option that I didn’t want Card Guard, I was told that if I entered my bank details, my call would be answered more quickly. I did so, and was promptly told my account balance by an old machine lady, then dumped to the default menu. Annoying. I tried again, this time picking options that had to lead to a human. She said to me, “I will put you through to the fraud department,” and I waited on hold until a familiar machine voice told me if I entered my bank details, my call would be answered more quickly. I didn’t. I’ll try Card Guard, I thought, on a whim. A kind man shared my concern about the initial call, and the refusal to answer questions, and indeed the lack of a security check before he told me my entire account details. He gave me a direct number for the fraud department. A bit too direct, as it took me through to a private line for banks only, which made the lady cross. She promised to put me through… to the credit card fraud line, who were annoyed that I’d want to discuss a debit card. They put me through… to a mumbling Indian lady trapped at the bottom of a well with only a tin can and a length of string. Even more entertainingly, I was hearing her live, while she appeared to have a two second delay on all I said. This made for some fun times! But despite her imprisonment, she was a kindly soul who bothered to answer any questions I had. She even told me in which country the money was being withdrawn, and then asked some seemingly vital questions before the fraud investigation would go ahead. Thanks first guy! You’re a massive cock! Thank goodness for the nice well-bound lady.

Will I get my £240 back? WHO KNOWS? Stay tuned for more exciting instalments in the tale of How John Was Robbed By Romania. Check your statements, folks.

You might be a long follower of the Dragon Quest Heroes series – you know, in that really foul manner where you make sure everyone knows it in as smug a way as possible. “Well, this clearly isn’t a patch on the Japanese-only Dragon Quest Heroes XVIII for the never-released Sega Catacomb, and frankly who are you to pass comment on anything in my awesome presence.” Do be quiet. No one likes you.

As it happens, Rocket Slime is a sequel to a Japanese-only release, which itself was a spin-off from the main series. But that doesn’t matter, because you’re not playing all of gaming history, you’re playing this game, and it’s rather a lot of fun.

Happy fun times on DS again.

By unpopular demand.

Shows that haven’t survived, or survived my interest:

30Rock
I feel like the world has been hypnotised. What the HELL is going on with the gushing reviews of this miserably unfunny mess? Tina Fey’s writing is almost as awful has her gurning acting, while Alec Baldwin farts out the most abysmal gibberish with far too much pride. It’s dire bilge, and will probably outlive Studio 60 thus bringing about the end of the world at my hand.

The Class – Tried two, but don’t hate myself enough to endure another. I think it’s important for a sitcom to contain at least one joke.

Kidnapped – I feel bad for this, but as soon as I found out it wasn’t going to carry on after the first 13 episodes, I lost interest. It was only moderately good to begin with, and now it will be all rushed. It might be worth looking at once it’s all out there.

Shark – I’m really surprised by this one, but all my worst fears came true of what should have been a really fun show. As I said originally, “I can see it working if they don’t overplay the teenage daughter crap.” Guess what. With the Who Cares Plot of the Year, with his daughter’s cheating at an essay, running to at least three episodes, following the achingly stupid story of Stark’s blackmailing a driving examiner to pass her, I was done. If people tell me it becomes super-fun House-alike entertainment, I’ll check it out on DVD.

Smith – About a minute after I declared I wouldn’t bother with it again, the network cancelled it and took it off air immediately. That’s the kind of influence I wield.

Torchwood
Oh good grief. I knew RTD was a bad writer, but I didn’t think he could be this hideous. Imagine the worst episodes of Doctor Who from his hand, and then divide it by 4000. I could barely bring myself to finish the second episode, about an alien that had to have sex with people for energy – OH GOOD GRIEF! How? How can he have sunk to that ghastly idea already? And look, they can say “fuck”! Well they’d better say it a lot then! It’s extremely unnerving to be watching what to all intents feels like the lamest of children’s television, and then hear someone bellow out “FUCK OFF!” Ooh, and boys kissing boys and girls kissing girls! Russell, you naughty old queen! It’s all so pathetic, like a naughty teenager trying to shock his bored mum. Also, if you’re working for an organisation above the government and beyond the police, er, why would you hire the STUPIDEST WOMEN IN BRITAIN to work for you? And I heard a rumour that it’s set in Cardiff. Go away Torchwood, for ever and ever and ever.

Everything else:

Battlestar Galactica – SciFi Channel
After the WHAT THE HELL moment at the end of season 2, all right-minded people could be forgiven for having at least a small glimmer of worry over where the show was heading. But push it all aside – season 3 is… it’s what science fiction television always should have been. Rather than eschewing the main motifs as with the wonderful Firefly, BSG embraces them but with the cunning notion of doing them really well. Anyone who saw episode 4 will understand as it became pure SPACE ROAR, with ships falling out the sky, rebellions, murders, angry robots, tragedy and elation. Whether the series can hold onto this now that things are slightly more under control will be interesting to see, with the valid fear bubbling that it might go where season 2 found itself, and slip into the generic. I’ve high hopes that it will not, as right now this is one of the best things on television.

Bones – Fox
I’ve only just caught onto Bones, catching up with season 1 and now waiting for season 2 to come back after its break. I love this silly show so much, with a fantastic cast making what might otherwise be a mediocre murder mystery show into something completely engrossing and delightful.

Dexter – HBO
I didn’t cover this programme before, but along with BSG, Studio 60 and Heroes, this is in the Must Watch list. Based on a series of novels, it’s the story of a blood spatter forensic specialist working for the police, who also happens to be a sociopathic serial killer. Episodes consist of the ongoing case against the ‘Ice Truck Killer’ – a murderer who removes all the blood from his victims and then carefully chops them up into sections and lays them out in specific patterns – and Dexter’s vigilante murders of those he deems to be evil. There are flashbacks to various points in his childhood as his adopted father, who recognises his son’s inherent drive to kill, trains him to take control of the urges and put them to what he deems good use. These illustrate the nature of Dexter today, while his cold narration explains his confusion at a world driven by emotions while he has none of his own. It’s beautifully shot, compellingly performed, and causes all sorts of conflict over the fact that you’re empathising with the emotionless murderer.

Drawn Together – Comedy Central
Take all the offensiveness of every episode of Family Guy ever and put it into 22 minutes. I adore Drawn Together, despite watching it with my fingers over my eyes and my jaw hanging open in horror. Eight cartoon characters in a house with a million cameras, an then the most astonishingly inappropriate jokes, references and murders. It shows no sign of running out of ideas in its third season, only more shocking. Hooray for rudeness!

Help Me Help You – ABC
Perhaps I had stupidly high hopes for this one based on the pilot. I’m still enjoying it very much, but really wish it would stick with its own formula, and stop deviating off into the tiresome world of Danson’s ex-wife. When they follow the week’s events of one of the therapy group it’s magnificent. When it’s Danson hiding in closets with mattresses, or fighting over a barbeque, it’s every sitcom ever.

Heroes – NBC
It’s great being right. Yes, the pilot had some problems, and without doubt something went incredibly, horribly wrong with the continuity into the second episode, but wow, Heroes is bloody excellent. Clearly the pilot was hacked to death by NBC so deeply stupidly that rather important events were somewhat missed out. Like, how did the artist get his hand put back on? And, how did the kid suddenly get back after stealing the wallet and running away? But forget all that because from there onwards it’s flipping excellent. And thankfully, there are enough people agreeing to hopefully give the show a full run. Everyone’s fallen in love with Hiro, as they well should, but what makes Heroes stand out is that every character is interesting enough to care about. While so many mysteries remain, Heroes remembers to deliver enough answers every week. Plus there’s flying and people stopping time and you know – superhero stuff!

How I Met Your Mother – NBC
Season 2 continues where the first left off, in terms of story and quality. What’s most impressed me about the second run is that it hasn’t lazily relied on the conceit of the first, will-they-won’t-theying Ted and Robyn. While we know they ultimately won’t, right now they just are, and it’s not being messed with. And further, the other major relationship is being left in its broken state, with the episodes generating interesting and funny stories based simply on the characters within. Barney’s continued deviance is still celebrated in a way I’ve never seen a sitcom try, and last week’s episode had more penis jokes than anyone could hope for. But most of all, it’s a sitcom about nice people having a good time, which is oddly unusual and well worth enjoying.

Jericho – NBC
Oh dear, what a silly programme. That I can’t stop watching. I can’t work out what’s wrong with me, because it really is rubbish. One recent episode featured the library catching fire, delivered as if no programme had ever featured a building catching fire before. A building? On fire?! What will they do?! The following episode introduced the intriguing notion of some corn needing to be harvested. But somehow I stick with it. I guess I’m being suckered in by wanting to know what’s going on with the nuclear war, how serious is it, and who exactly are the two mystery men and what do they know? I’m rubbish, but then so’s Jericho. We make a good pair.

My Name Is Earl – NBC
It’s great to report that season 2 is still superb, the episodes wonderfully constructed, playing with time lines and maintaining the fairytale world of Earl’s small town. Definitely the best episode so far has been about the bearded lady and her fellow freaks, but the “I won’t jump for Joy” joke comes a close second.

Runaway – CW
This show has one last chance. It’s going to have to feature that explosion I talked about before very soon, because so far all the big events have been about anticlimax. And if I have to see one more spelling contest I’m done. Come on Runaway – blow shit up.

Six Degrees – ABC
I’ve tried to justify why I like this show so much, but I can’t find the words. It’s something about the combination of the very ordinary, with the background rumblings of intrigue. As the episodes progress, more links appear between the six main protagonists, although most remain completely unaware. Certainly a lot is to do with the strength of the performances (especially Campbell Scott’s artist Steven), and the honesty of the relationships. What’s surprised me most are the mistakes it hasn’t made. It didn’t drag out the cheating husband story for the entire damn season, but rather had him rumbled very early on. It didn’t keep Mae’s background a meaningless mystery, but instead presented it pleasingly soon, while still keeping the contents of the box a secret. It seems to revel in taking dramatic cliches, and then making a good job of them. I think, perhaps, I’ve found my regular relationship drama that I enjoy, and I’m a bit embarrassed to admit that.

Studio 60 On The Sunset Strip – NBC
Oh, precious Studio 60, will you survive? I’m guessing not. The negative criticism of this show bemuses me, but I think is captured in that frustrated utterance, “Smart as a pejorative.” While Studio 60 has, very sadly, lived up to the main criticism levelled at it – the sketches just aren’t funny – there’s so much more happening here that it makes this a weak stick to beat it with. However, that doesn’t mean it can be ignored. Sorkin’s asking us to believe that this is the recovery of satirical comedy on network TV, and yet only shows us glimpses of some really crappy sketches. Obviously nothing would be good enough to match the hype, but at least something that’s funny would be helpful. And showing endless shots of the director laughing at the laugh-free scenes isn’t helping. My other concern is the dip into predictability that’s occured of late. The first few episodes were wondrous beyond words, my mouth agape as lines I could never have dreamed of cascaded from the characters. In the last couple of episodes, I’ve been mouthing the script along with them. I still love it very much, and still believe it could be the best programme ever. But Sorkin, hire some comedy writers – use McKinney properly, and get Odenkirk on board. Fix the hole so it stops leaking, because otherwise we’ll never see the Christmas episode.

by John Walker

Introduction

This is the first in a seventeen thousand part series on becoming a games journalist. In this part we will explore what writing about games journalism is, and the “easy” way to enter the anus of the industry. In the following sixteen thousand, nine hundred and ninety nine parts we will explore why I am so important. Some would recommend that you not read this, and instead get on with what must be the most painfully obvious job of all time, but they are stupid and wrong. Read on to find out why I am the greatest ever, ever, ever.

Mark Blowhard gave a very complicated view of the profession of games journalism in his introduction to the games industry, “Who Am I Again?”. In the spirit of not thinking for myself, I’ll quote it hear as it saves me doing any work:

“The games journalist is someone who plays videogames and then writes down if they’re good or not.”

Why I Am Great

I’ve met over seven people in my life, and of the four that would speak to me, two of them wanted to be involved in games journalism – that’s at least 50% of the population of the world. No career is more coveted, not even being an astronaut or the president of an incredibly important company. Simply put, I am one, and you are not, and it is important that you note this. I play games for a living, while you probably have to put things on shelves, or even use a mop. You poor things, you must so desperately want to be me. I play games for a living.

But don’t think it’s simple to play games and then write down if they’re good or not! Oh no! It’s incredibly difficult.

And don’t even get me started on what it’s like to have to go to America for free and stay in a hotel for free and play games at a conference for free while getting free food and all the alcohol you can drink for free because sometimes you have to queue up for stuff, which is way too awful to even think about. Could you cope with all this? I doubt it, but I can.

If you thought I wasn’t amazing yet, and that you could possibly be a games journalist, you haven’t even thought about “deadlines”. See, because when you do games journalism you don’t just get to do it when you like, but you have to get the work done by a certain time! Some people actually die because this is so hard. I don’t. For example, one time I had to stay up an hour past my bedtime to get a review finished before the “deadline”, and it was incredibly tiring.

what Will it Take to Make me Go away?

To be like me and a games journalist who plays games for a living while you don’t, there are some things you have to be able to do that you wouldn’t have thought of if I didn’t tell you.

1) You have to have a computer or a console machine.

2) You have to have at least one hand.

3) You have to be able to write as good as I.

You wouldn’t believe how many rubbish idiots think they could do the job I do but can’t because they write stuff that’s just rubbish. This does not mean, however, comma, that if your grasp on the language in which you will be writing is tenuous at best and at worst that the least at which you’ll have will be that you will never be a games journalist.

—

And on and on it goes. How sick I am of these guides to “getting in”, as if being a games journalist is some insurmountable achievement, beyond the possibility of all but the Grand Few, and only accessible once one has followed the prescribed route of another. It’s so ridiculous – this industry, with its head so far up its arse that it patronises all outside with the belief that they must surely want in, but couldn’t possibly fathom it for themselves.

Here’s how I got started: I sent some writing to a games magazine, and they liked it so they gave me work.

And that’s true of everyone I know in the industry, whether they were spotted on a forum (you young flibbertigibbets) or submitted spec pieces on paper by mule. There’s no great secret, no moronic 12-step programme to follow. If you can write, and care passionately about your writing, then you’ll get work. You’re not getting work? Then you probably can’t write, or don’t care.

The only piece of wisdom I feel willing to give is this: If you want to have a job that’s all about playing games, then give up. If you want to have a job that’s all about writing, and you have a particular interest in games, then keep going.

It’s a bloody excellent job, though not well paid for most involved. I never stop feeling incredibly lucky, and incredibly scared. Er, that’s it. Apart from this lot:

Affectionate Diary
Cobbett’s peculiarly helpful one
Kieron going sensible
The Triforce
Log
Tracker Bill
Mathew Kumar
Bill Harris
Stuart Campbell
Tim Edwards
Jonty
And this one.

Apologies for the quietness around here. I’ve been busy and/or lazy.

Now it is my birthday. I am level 29.

And again…

I remember writing about the trailer for this film, and then managing to miss it completely at the cinema. I bought it on DVD, and tonight was finally the right night to watch it.

This stood out:

A complete distillation of the internet, in one blog post.