John Walker's Electronic House

It sort of feels pretend.

BBC News is reviewing tomorrow’s newspaper front pages, with three Tories sat around a table, crowing. They’re using phrases like, “these lefties… have got [their] comeuppance.” The presenter chuckles along. The BBC has already sunk comfortably into absolute unquestioned bias, having spent the last few days telling outright lies on the news about how our government works, attacking any Lib-Lab coalition suggestions, and endorsing a Tory government without question.

These three people sneer, laughing out loud at how left wing writers are upset with the result. The presenter doesn’t even look awkward, while his guests describe Cameron as having shown “remarkable vision”.

“I suspect we won’t be hearing the phrase ‘Broken Britain’ any more, as I rather suspect it’s just been fixed.”

Approving murmurs all round.

This is BBC News.

Literally three Conservatives mocking Labour, the left wing, sneering at the non-right newspapers, and all completely unchallenged. This is how things shall be for a long, long time.

The Liberal Democrats are currently emerging from their meeting in which they unanimously voted through the deal, stating that this is the best thing that could happen to our country. Their glee includes agreeing to a cap on immigration, and agreeing to a referendum on “giving more power to Europe,” whatever the bloody hell that means. They’ve abandoned their absolute core principles, and they’re telling us what a wonderful day this is for Britain.

Can I wake up now?

Lots of things are annual. July, for instance. But July, Christmas and my birthday all have the good grace to wait an entire perceived year before they decide it’s time for another go. Here are five things that rudely push into my consciousness far more often than calendars would like to admit:

1) The London Marathon
The spectacle of the wobbly unfit attempting to run the extremely arbitrary distance of 26andabit miles in rented costumes certainly appears to appear more than once a year. I estimate there must be 1.5 London Marathons every year, one of them always on a hotter day than the other.

2) The Last Night Of The Proms
It seems we’re being told how very much we all want to wave cheap plastic flags and bob up and down at least two times a year. I recognise that the Proms lasts an entire season, but its denouement certainly doesn’t see fit to only appear once it’s over. Another one is sneaking in there somewhere.

3) The Turner Art Prize
Unquestionably, this prize comes up twice a year. The BBC News website starts snorting in horror at the obscure entries, while we’re all encouraged to alternately sneer and seethe that these people make money from that?! Whatever happened to good old-fashioned painting? You’ll note that on the other occasion it comes around again too quickly, there’s a winner who surprises everyone by doing some good old-fashioned painting.

4) Wimbledon
It’s almost time for the All England Tennis Club to host the Wimbledon Championship grandslam event. It’s in a month and ten days. Exactly. The last one only finished about four months ago. To further illustrate quite how much of a time-defying multi-dimensional state the tournament exists within, do you know how many years it’s been since Cliff Richard so famously “entertained” the crowds by singing when it rained? Five years? Eight years? No. It was fourteen years ago.

5) Earth Day
No one has any idea what Earth Day is. No one knows what it’s for, who organises it, and whether the Earth is helped by it in any way. The only reason any of us have ever heard of Earth Day is because about three or four times a year, Google annually changes its logo to celebrate the occasion.

Nick Clegg’s got one heck of a decision to make.

He’s not just deciding which party gets to be in power in the UK. He’s deciding the fate of the Liberal Democrat party.

He’s got three choices, which I couldn’t outline better than Stu Campbell has here: side with Cameron, side with Brown, or side with no one and allow a Conservative minority government.

It’s the first of these three decisions that’s currently being scrutinised by Clegg and his advisors, weighing up whatever Cameron may have offered him in their private talks. Should he align his party with the Conservatives, guaranteeing a clear majority, and most likely securing some powerful positions in government for Lib Dem members? It must be tempting for anyone in politics, to be that close to power. But Clegg’s got a Liberal Democrat membership to convince – 75% of them – before he could make that commitment. Oh, and the small matter of giving up proportional representation (PR). Oh again, and giving up the future of the Lib Dem party forever.

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I’m very much enjoying formspring – a sort of cross between a blog and an interview. Person sets up an account, other people ask person questions, person replies.

Mine is here.

Ask me anything. I’ll likely answer.

Also, make sure to check out Richard Cobbett’s page, because he is a funny, funny man. Here is some proof:

What question would you ask yourself if you weren’t yourself?

Who are you, and what are you doing in my house?

What are you putting off whilst answering these questions?

Girls, probably.

Remember folks, no Rum Doings this week due to ash-cloud interference.

We are attempting to appease the volcano with sacrifices of cream teas, and will hopefully work something out soon. It may be that there cannot be another episode until May, however. I recommend listening to them all over again (except episode one, which is rubbish).

This week we neither discuss whether all drugs should be legalised, nor whether all drugs should be illegalised. Instead we tuck in to some absolutely delicious honey rum, and begin reading out some listener emails.

We ponder vanilla ice cream, John’s 30th birthday and his anti-social ways, which is the best time of day on a fuzzy clock, and analyse whether QI is the primary source of all sexism.

Should dads post on Mumsnet? What do we think about airports? Are games journalists bribed? Did the games industry survive the piracy of the 80s? Can Nick break up Rock, Paper, Shotgun?

We ponder the comedy of French & Saunders, and then condemn those who pretend not to care when planes take off. And then wonder about astronauts’ private time.

Tell the world. We’re entirely motivated by how many people listen, because we’re attention-hungry show-offs. And writing a review on iTunes helps us a great deal. If you do that, it makes you our absolute favourite.

If you want to email us, you can do that here. If you want to be a “fan” of ours on Facebook, for some ghastly reason, you can do that here.

To get this episode directly, right click and save here. To subscribe to Rum Doings click here, or you can find it in iTunes here.

This week, in episode 24, we don’t discuss: What with internet, the Facebook, Wiki and YouTubes, has information overload gotten the better of us?

Instead we discuss only two things: stand up comedy and politics. But hopefully with enough varied approaches that it’s not quite as dull as that description sounds. How could it be? We’re the best!

So we ask why are the most popular mainstream comics so popular, and what we wish they would do instead. We explore the difference between British and US stand up, and then via Stewart Lee we think about the BBC’s Top Gear. This then moves onto a discussion about UKIP, and why they’re trouble. Then more thoughts on the various parties in the forthcoming UK elections. And rum.

Don’t keep it all for yourself, let other people know about this episode, by whichever means you think best. And writing a review on iTunes helps us a great deal. Thanks to everyone who has, and the lovely things they’ve said. We love you best of all the animals.

If you want to email us, you can do that here. If you want to be a “fan” of ours on Facebook, for some ghastly reason, you can do that here.

To get this episode directly, right click and save here. To subscribe to Rum Doings click here, or you can find it in iTunes here.

This weekend, over Easter, leader of the BNP Nick Griffin put out a statement explaining that the BNP is the only party fighting for traditional Christian values. It is part of the BNP’s attempt to redraw its battle lines, recognising that the exposed hatred of other races is not winning them votes, but instead tapping into the increasing fear that our country (whatever that phrase may mean) is being changed, subverted, made not what it once was. And it seems that part of this is to reclaim Britain for the “traditional” Christian. This needs to be unpacked.

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It’s good to be right.

Matt Smith is absolutely fantastic. Stephen Moffat was born to be in charge.

“Box falls out the sky, man falls out a box, man eats fish custard.”

Moffat remembered that Doctor Who is a programme for children to watch, and designed to scare them. The opening ten minutes, a series of slapstick and extremely silly lines, were like a rebirthing for the series. A reminder of what it was about – not grimacing, innuendo and snogging, but alternating between laughs and being frightened.

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This week we welcome back Martin Coxall for a second appearance, after last week’s was so lovely with him. Don’t worry if you’re a purest – we’ve since had him sealed in concrete and buried in the North Sea, and next time it will be back to just Nick and John.

The topic not under discussion is: Is the creeping cancer of violent videogames corrupting our kiddies? Moving quickly on, we discover that John wants to be a tall poppy, and then move on to the drinks Martin bought for us. A tub of coconut milk, and a tin of Nourishmilk. Which will be so revolting we pour it down the sink? How can you resist finding out? Then discover what Nick and Martin really think of John when he’s out the room.

Find out how to circumnavigate a gastric band, and then discussions of the two types of hunger. Nick lectures two fat people on how to be thin, which inevitably means discussing the Cheesecake Factory and desserts. Then a really quite heated debate about strawberries, woolly jumper apples, the ripeness of bananas, and the sheer arrogance of rhubarb.

Which countries have the worst breakfasts? And what’s the best offal? Then continuing what’s become a food theme, there’s more discussion of custard and Angel Delight than you could possibly have hoped for. If you wish to defend chocolate custard, get in touch at the email address below. And after, thermal conductivity.

Which would be more dangerous to come back to life, the raptor or the t-rex? Learn how to bring them back to find out! And how Ridley Scott could kill us all. What noise did a dodo make? And where did chickens come from?

And then… I’m not even going to associate myself with it. I think it might be the funniest moment on Rum Doings ever. Be warned, it’s not okay for gentle ears. In fact, let’s never speak of it.

Don’t keep it all for yourself, let other people know about this episode, by whichever means you think best. And writing a review on iTunes helps us a great deal. Thanks to everyone who has, and the lovely things they’ve said. We love you.

If you want to email us, you can do that here. If you want to be a “fan” of ours on Facebook, for some ghastly reason, you can do that here.

To get this episode directly, right click and save here. To subscribe to Rum Doings click here, or you can find it in iTunes here.