John Walker's Electronic House

As you know we mark our every 10th episode with something very special. Our Now Show edition, special celebrity guest John Finnemore, and then for episode 30… John’s girlfriend Laura! Calm down.

Yes, indeed, episode 30 of Rum Doings contains a girl.

Ew.

The topic of this episode to not discuss: What are we to do about the tragedy of the increasing dearth of Britain’s dwindling bees. Population.

Obviously we recognise that a girl being on the podcast will upset a lot of people, so if you wish to send her hate mail, please address it to this address.

We wonder at how a couple splits its mp3 collection, slander John’s childhood girlfriends, and and listen as John’s cat Dexter pathetically mews at the door. We concur that the Midlands are in the North, and then make sure we lose all our Midlander listeners.

There’s discussion of how bad episode 1 was, and how Laura is mad. Which science is best, and why Nick doesn’t believe in Thor. John’s job is pulled to pieces, with suggestions of features about Dexter in the Economist. Nick then sings the arcades. And what’s wrong with a job building sandcastles?

Then we become Top Gear, with our amazing analysis of cupholders in a Toyota Yaris. If you’re having trouble getting to sleep, listen to this part of the podcast. Or start knitting. And would Eurovision work in America?

Inform everyone you know. At all costs, promote us. And writing a review on iTunes helps us a great deal. Cool people do it. You want to be in the cool gang.

If you want to email us, you can do that here. If you want to be a “fan” of ours on Facebook, for some dreadful reason, you can do that here.

To get this episode directly, right click and save here. To subscribe to Rum Doings click here, or you can find it in iTunes here.

I’ve had a few requests for me to publish my dissertation online. So I’m obliging. I’m sticking it up as a blog post, because heck, why not? But it is of course 10,000 words, so I apologise to your scrollbar.

It’s about the way stories affect the way we perceive our lives. It was written for a degree titled: Youth and Community Work & Applied Theology. So obviously it focuses on how story affects young people, and from a Christian perspective. However, I cover subjects like fairytale in some depth, and believe the principles apply to all ages. I wrote it five years ago, aged 27.

I’ve never read it. I don’t think even at the time, and certainly not in the five years since. Which may sound strange. Because I am such a colossal twit I started the whole thing, including doing the reading, a week and a half before it was due. So I didn’t really have time to read it from start to finish. The reason I got away with this act of extraordinary idiocy was because I was writing the culmination of years of thinking about the subject. I’m a bit frightened to read it now, since so much time has passed. In case you’re interested, it received a first, but only just. One of the markers wanted to bring it down to a 2.1 for various reasons, including my remarkable failure to reference the Proust quote in the bibliography. But luckily for me, for some reason they lost this fight.

I’m publishing it here under the catchily named Creative Commons Attribution-Non-Commercial-Share Alike 2.0 UK: England & Wales. This means that anyone can copy it, distribute it, and – um – perform it for free, including making any changes to it that they wish. The only conditions are that I am identified as the author, that it cannot be used for commercial purposes, and that if it is copied and changed the resulting document must also be published under the same license. Which seems fair.

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A comment was recently added to my post about the BNP and Nick Griffin’s plans to claim his party represents Christianity. I think it’s worth highlighting here. I’m still very concerned that people think of the BNP as: sure, a party with some bad eggs and left over racist views from their National Front past, but perhaps the only party speaking out honestly on the issues of immigration. It’s an opinion I’ve heard quite a lot, often not directly expressed but implied in more subtle tones. For instance, here’s a question I was asked anonymously on Formspring recently:

“Do you agree that not dealing with immigration sensibly plays into the bnps hands? Will Cameron sort it out in your opinion?”

While I gave an answer explaining why I believe there is no immigration issue, and that Cameron’s plans will further isolate the country, increase nationalism, and therefore hatred, there’s a more serious implication. It’s the assumption implicit in the question that the BNP are the party dealing with immigration sensibly. Sure, the person asking is extremely unlikely to subscribe to the BNP’s opinions on most subjects, but it unquestionably suggests that dealing with immigration “sensibly” (whatever that might be) will placate the BNP. i.e. If we would only employ the BNP’s immigration policies, we would take away power from that dangerous party.

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Right – I’m removing this because the editor of Wired.co.uk sincerely explains that they didn’t mean to insult the man’s looks, and agrees that it looks as though they were, and has changed it accordingly. So all is well.

Although I doubt they’ll be offering me work any time soon : )

Episode 28 of Rum Doings is not discussing: Why can an Englishman not defend his home by shooting a burglar in the back.

This week John has a headache. So we talk about headaches. You know how we are.

What else do we bring up? Television programmes we enjoy watching with our eyes. More dangerous ways of distributing gas. We argue about Doctor Who and sitcoms. We realise Rum Doings needs a trombonist. In fact, most of an orchestra. Of buskers. We learn how Nick lets his daughter suffocate, how long John’s been a crybaby, and plans for genre twists. Can you Chinese-burn yourself? Can you touch your own winky? And what exactly is the fabric of our universe? And why don’t the Jews like it?

Inform everyone you know. At all costs, promote us. And writing a review on iTunes helps us a great deal. Cool people do it. You want to be in the cool gang.

If you want to email us, you can do that here. If you want to be a “fan” of ours on Facebook, for some dreadful reason, you can do that here.

To get this episode directly, right click and save here. To subscribe to Rum Doings click here, or you can find it in iTunes here.

Crikey-o-blimey! We’re back! After a volcano-encouraged break, Rum Doings returns with episode 26 to not discuss whether the Americanisation of Britain gone one step too far?

Instead John struggles with pomegranate wine, we ponder super-tasting, the merits of Marmite, and the Queen’s insatiable loins.

Inevitably we talk election, but having recorded this before Tuesday night, we weren’t aware who our new King was to be. There’s thoughts on the peculiar imbalance of political leanings in the press compared to the population, the difference between Scotland and England, and the source of John’s self-loathing. Then we even discuss money stuff things.

After the frivolity of this politics business, we then turn our attentions toward more serious matters: poo poo and wee wee. Inspired by a three year old, we consider the merits of poo, and what various people may look like as they perform one. Then we ascend to talk of asparagus wee, and the corrupted souls of those who cannot produce this potion, including nano-plans to fix this defection. Also, John tests the very limits of his girlfriend’s tolerance. Also, what colour to political leaders wee?

We finish with some absolutely shameful impressions of Gordon Brown.

Tell the world. We’re entirely motivated by how many people listen, because we’re attention-hungry show-offs. And writing a review on iTunes helps us a great deal. If you do that, it makes you our absolute favourite.

If you want to email us, you can do that here. If you want to be a “fan” of ours on Facebook, for some ghastly reason, you can do that here.

To get this episode directly, right click and save here. To subscribe to Rum Doings click here, or you can find it in iTunes here.

It sort of feels pretend.

BBC News is reviewing tomorrow’s newspaper front pages, with three Tories sat around a table, crowing. They’re using phrases like, “these lefties… have got [their] comeuppance.” The presenter chuckles along. The BBC has already sunk comfortably into absolute unquestioned bias, having spent the last few days telling outright lies on the news about how our government works, attacking any Lib-Lab coalition suggestions, and endorsing a Tory government without question.

These three people sneer, laughing out loud at how left wing writers are upset with the result. The presenter doesn’t even look awkward, while his guests describe Cameron as having shown “remarkable vision”.

“I suspect we won’t be hearing the phrase ‘Broken Britain’ any more, as I rather suspect it’s just been fixed.”

Approving murmurs all round.

This is BBC News.

Literally three Conservatives mocking Labour, the left wing, sneering at the non-right newspapers, and all completely unchallenged. This is how things shall be for a long, long time.

The Liberal Democrats are currently emerging from their meeting in which they unanimously voted through the deal, stating that this is the best thing that could happen to our country. Their glee includes agreeing to a cap on immigration, and agreeing to a referendum on “giving more power to Europe,” whatever the bloody hell that means. They’ve abandoned their absolute core principles, and they’re telling us what a wonderful day this is for Britain.

Can I wake up now?

Lots of things are annual. July, for instance. But July, Christmas and my birthday all have the good grace to wait an entire perceived year before they decide it’s time for another go. Here are five things that rudely push into my consciousness far more often than calendars would like to admit:

1) The London Marathon
The spectacle of the wobbly unfit attempting to run the extremely arbitrary distance of 26andabit miles in rented costumes certainly appears to appear more than once a year. I estimate there must be 1.5 London Marathons every year, one of them always on a hotter day than the other.

2) The Last Night Of The Proms
It seems we’re being told how very much we all want to wave cheap plastic flags and bob up and down at least two times a year. I recognise that the Proms lasts an entire season, but its denouement certainly doesn’t see fit to only appear once it’s over. Another one is sneaking in there somewhere.

3) The Turner Art Prize
Unquestionably, this prize comes up twice a year. The BBC News website starts snorting in horror at the obscure entries, while we’re all encouraged to alternately sneer and seethe that these people make money from that?! Whatever happened to good old-fashioned painting? You’ll note that on the other occasion it comes around again too quickly, there’s a winner who surprises everyone by doing some good old-fashioned painting.

4) Wimbledon
It’s almost time for the All England Tennis Club to host the Wimbledon Championship grandslam event. It’s in a month and ten days. Exactly. The last one only finished about four months ago. To further illustrate quite how much of a time-defying multi-dimensional state the tournament exists within, do you know how many years it’s been since Cliff Richard so famously “entertained” the crowds by singing when it rained? Five years? Eight years? No. It was fourteen years ago.

5) Earth Day
No one has any idea what Earth Day is. No one knows what it’s for, who organises it, and whether the Earth is helped by it in any way. The only reason any of us have ever heard of Earth Day is because about three or four times a year, Google annually changes its logo to celebrate the occasion.

Nick Clegg’s got one heck of a decision to make.

He’s not just deciding which party gets to be in power in the UK. He’s deciding the fate of the Liberal Democrat party.

He’s got three choices, which I couldn’t outline better than Stu Campbell has here: side with Cameron, side with Brown, or side with no one and allow a Conservative minority government.

It’s the first of these three decisions that’s currently being scrutinised by Clegg and his advisors, weighing up whatever Cameron may have offered him in their private talks. Should he align his party with the Conservatives, guaranteeing a clear majority, and most likely securing some powerful positions in government for Lib Dem members? It must be tempting for anyone in politics, to be that close to power. But Clegg’s got a Liberal Democrat membership to convince – 75% of them – before he could make that commitment. Oh, and the small matter of giving up proportional representation (PR). Oh again, and giving up the future of the Lib Dem party forever.

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I’m very much enjoying formspring – a sort of cross between a blog and an interview. Person sets up an account, other people ask person questions, person replies.

Mine is here.

Ask me anything. I’ll likely answer.

Also, make sure to check out Richard Cobbett’s page, because he is a funny, funny man. Here is some proof:

What question would you ask yourself if you weren’t yourself?

Who are you, and what are you doing in my house?

What are you putting off whilst answering these questions?

Girls, probably.