John Walker's Electronic House

Scarf News

by on Jan.14, 2009, under The Rest

In America! Hooray. I thought I’d find out what all the fuss was about, having heard rumours of a country where the locals all drive cars and the root beer comes in glasses. It’s all true!

I’m over in Philadelphia (or near enough) for a while, visiting Kim and Nick. But today I’m in New York, currently in a Starbucks filling half an hour before I get on a subway down to Brooklyn to try and find 826NYC and the Superhero Supply Store.

This is how cold New York is: All the cold. It’s so cold that my beard froze. Emerging from Penn Station, condensation in my hairy face from the temperature change, I wiped it to hear cracking sounds. I am fairly certain this means my impending death as soon as I venture from the warmth of this narrow coffee hole. It’s the sort of cold where you’re whole face hurts and you wonder if you’ll be able to do expressions again. The sort of cold where people exchange looks of pain as they walk past each other. I love it.

To celebrate I went into Macy’s to buy a scarf. Even though the British Pound’s tombstoning jump into half an inch of lava and spikes means the US is no longer half-price, it’s still a far more reasonably priced nation, and it’s always worth getting as much stuff here as you can squeeze into your bag. Macy’s isn’t exactly a place for bargains, but anything in a sale is going to be less than half the cost in the UK still. However, the same rule doesn’t appear to apply to scarves. Average price: $50. All because they’ve got some stupid logo or other printed on them, in some remote corner. I don’t need to spend £30+ on anything, let alone a long thin bit of wool. However, between these stands of massively overpriced piles of knitting were racks of $25 scarves, which would seem just about reasonable until you see how long they are.

The man at the counter asked me if it was two or three I’d picked up. It was one. This scarf is long enough for two people to share, without needing to be in the same town. It’s so long it’s almost impossible to wear. And it’s entirely impossible to wear without looking like a reject from the Doctor Who auditions. Which fortunately is the look I’m consistently striving for. “What do you mean you don’t want a fat, hairy Doctor? TO HELL WITH YOU ALL!” And then with a swish off my scarf over my shoulder, and the resulting deaths of three passers-by, I storm off.

And that’s all the scarf news.

8 Comments for this entry

  • The Poisoned Sponge

    That sounds like a remarkably cool weapon for a fighting game character; deadly scarves. Hell, House of Flying Daggers did it, kind of, and it was awesome then.

  • Little Green Man

    That is pure Awesome Sauce.

  • J-Man

    Last time I was in NY I really wanted to visit Battery Park to fulfil my life dream of being like JC Denton. Unfortunately due to time constraints, I had to drive down to the airport and return to the depressing hell-hole that is London.

  • Rev. Stuart Campbell

    Treasure’s PS2 flop Freak Out (aka Stretch Panic) is of course almost entirely about whomping people with your scarf.

  • Dozer

    It’s Official: John Walker is the next Dr Who.

  • dartt

    You’ll have the last scarf.

  • Grill

    Be careful John – remember Isadora Duncan, mother of modern dance?

    “Duncan’s fondness for flowing scarves which trailed behind her was the cause of her death in a freak automobile accident in Nice, France, on the night of September 14, 1927, at the age of 50… The accident gave rise to Gertrude Stein’s mordant remark that “affectations can be dangerous.”

    Final words: “Adieu, mes amis, je vais à l’amour”, shortly before the scarf got caught in the wheels of the car she was travelling in, hurling her out of it like an excellent example of rag-doll physics.

  • clare

    John – in a Starbucks? Does this mark a shift back to your old ways or was it an emergency measure? If it’s the former does this mean free Starbucks’ coffees in Guildford are available to you and accompanying friends again?