John Walker's Electronic House


by on Aug.30, 2008, under The Rest

Today I got hiccups for the first time in what I think might be 15 years. It’s definitely more than 10. This sadly means that my previously held belief that I’ve evolved beyond mortal humans has taken a knock. My extraordinarily strange teeth (inside the gums – they look quite normal to the non-xray-vision-eye) still give me some conviction, but it is now confirmed that I haven’t risen above involuntary spasms of my diaphragm. Pretty good run though.

There have been the odd occasions when I’ve thought I had hiccups, where perhaps two hiccup-like anomalies have occurred in a row, but these have more likely been rogue burps. Today it was unmistakably hiccups, that stayed with me for a good few minutes. They timed themselves cleverly, such that they were released whenever I walked past someone in the street, startling them. Then, when I over the initial intrigue, I took a deep breath and insisted they stop. I really don’t understand the fuss – everyone else should stop having them too.

They started when I was bent doubled over in my office chair, fiddling with something on the ground, squishing my frustrating belly in such a fashion that appeared to upset my insides. Curse that belly. The good news about all that is I’ve been eating very sensibly for a couple of months now, and seem to have shifted the better part of a stone. Well, that might not be true. I might have gained 402 stone, as I’ve just realised that my bathroom scales are deranged. They’ve had their moments before, suddenly declaring that I weight 24 stone, and then declaring “ERR”. My scales actually make scales jokes. But they did otherwise report reasonably regular readings, implying that there was some consistency. Now, however, they spurt any old number, and I’ve a terrible feeling they may have made up all the weight loss I thought I’d managed. To address this, this afternoon I bought some new scales, but they’re still in the box behind me. Soon I shall learn the terrible truth.

It does seem that I’ve lost at least some of the heaviness I was getting around my face, which is not a great place to be a fatty-fat-fat. My pelican neck seems to have disappeared with pleasing pace, however my unpleasant, forwardly projecting belly doesn’t seem to have shrunk at all.

So, to address this… I’ve not quite joined a gym. Instead I’ve picked up the forms that need to be filled in, which I believe is the equivalent of 45 minutes on a cross trainer. I’m well on the way! Goodness knows how long this will last, but it would be so nice to not be a lardarse. Right, to try these new scales (although I did just drink a litre of liquid, so that won’t help).

They appear to give a steady read-out, and it is definitely less than I used to weigh. But of course I’ve no idea what my starting weight was. But I’ve definitely lost at least 8lb without trying very hard. That’s good news.

Another thought I had today: You can’t buy an icecream when on your own.

8 Comments for this entry

  • km

    be sure to weigh yourself at the same time…say, first thing when you wake up.
    also: good rule about ice cream.
    also also: i like the banner from central park and that angel fountain

  • botherer

    The ice cream thing isn’t even a rule. It’s just not possible.

  • Bingo Foxtrot

    I did it only last week. I AM MASTER OF THE IMPOSSIBLE!

  • Iain "DDude" Dawson

    I dont fully understand this ice-cream rule.

  • Pace

    I heartily recommend the great outdoors for cardiovascular workouts; biking, jogging, canoeing, snowshoe racing, etc. Half the reason I do it is to get outside for awhile. And indeed it seems most bathroom scales have a certain personality. I’d classify mine as disdainfully stubborn.

    (Nice segue from the hiccups into the weight thing, I knew there was a reason you’re the professional writer here.)

    (and after reading this I feel I’ve acquired some oddly intimate details about Mr. John Walker and his rogue burps and extraordinarily strange teeth. I feel a bit like I’m spying on your private blog here. I keep looking over my shoulder wondering if I’m supposed to be here.)

  • Richard

    “The ice cream thing isn’t even a rule. It’s just not possible.”

    Pah! Lies! A month back, I took a couple of days off work to do the tourist thing. Went to the Abbey, poked round the museums, had a sandwich in the park, and topped it off by wandering around with a camera in one hand and an ice-cream in the other. It worked fine, but the pictures were rubbish. Gelato doesn’t have the megapixels.

  • Helen

    have a child – an eternal excuse for ice cream AND you need never (and indeed will not be allowed) to eat it alone… and you can run it off chasing after the as the sugar rush hits!

    good for you with the dieting… and a belated congrats to catherine on number 2

  • The Poisoned Sponge

    Either exercise or diet. It’s impossible to do both and remain a decent human being.