John Walker's Electronic House

Today I got hiccups for the first time in what I think might be 15 years. It’s definitely more than 10. This sadly means that my previously held belief that I’ve evolved beyond mortal humans has taken a knock. My extraordinarily strange teeth (inside the gums – they look quite normal to the non-xray-vision-eye) still give me some conviction, but it is now confirmed that I haven’t risen above involuntary spasms of my diaphragm. Pretty good run though.

There have been the odd occasions when I’ve thought I had hiccups, where perhaps two hiccup-like anomalies have occurred in a row, but these have more likely been rogue burps. Today it was unmistakably hiccups, that stayed with me for a good few minutes. They timed themselves cleverly, such that they were released whenever I walked past someone in the street, startling them. Then, when I over the initial intrigue, I took a deep breath and insisted they stop. I really don’t understand the fuss – everyone else should stop having them too.

They started when I was bent doubled over in my office chair, fiddling with something on the ground, squishing my frustrating belly in such a fashion that appeared to upset my insides. Curse that belly. The good news about all that is I’ve been eating very sensibly for a couple of months now, and seem to have shifted the better part of a stone. Well, that might not be true. I might have gained 402 stone, as I’ve just realised that my bathroom scales are deranged. They’ve had their moments before, suddenly declaring that I weight 24 stone, and then declaring “ERR”. My scales actually make scales jokes. But they did otherwise report reasonably regular readings, implying that there was some consistency. Now, however, they spurt any old number, and I’ve a terrible feeling they may have made up all the weight loss I thought I’d managed. To address this, this afternoon I bought some new scales, but they’re still in the box behind me. Soon I shall learn the terrible truth.

It does seem that I’ve lost at least some of the heaviness I was getting around my face, which is not a great place to be a fatty-fat-fat. My pelican neck seems to have disappeared with pleasing pace, however my unpleasant, forwardly projecting belly doesn’t seem to have shrunk at all.

So, to address this… I’ve not quite joined a gym. Instead I’ve picked up the forms that need to be filled in, which I believe is the equivalent of 45 minutes on a cross trainer. I’m well on the way! Goodness knows how long this will last, but it would be so nice to not be a lardarse. Right, to try these new scales (although I did just drink a litre of liquid, so that won’t help).

They appear to give a steady read-out, and it is definitely less than I used to weigh. But of course I’ve no idea what my starting weight was. But I’ve definitely lost at least 8lb without trying very hard. That’s good news.

Another thought I had today: You can’t buy an icecream when on your own.