John Walker's Electronic House

Television: Hey Paula!

by on Aug.06, 2007, under Television

I would like to begin by saying that I’m in no way suggesting that Paula Abdul has a painkiller addiction. To do so would be a terrible accusation, and one I couldn’t even consider making.

Interestingly, she exhibits so many of the behaviours of someone with a painkiller addiction, despite definitely not having one at all. She has permanent pain in her spine, which is totally real and from dance injuries, and not the classic psychosomatic pain exhibited by those with a painkiller addiction. And all that strange behaviour we’ve seen, and the loss of sleep, and the crashing, and the freaking out, and the sudden moments of super-crazy hyper behaviour – you could totally put them down to being addicted to opiates. But that would be wrong, because the cause of the problem is that her adrenal gland has stopped working.

Fortunately there are doctors on hand to take vast amounts of her money (surely, “help her in all situations”? – Ed) for the fourteen operations that have been performed on her neck, despite the problem only getting worse. They’re not worried about her having a painkiller addiction, because they know it’s the glands, and then a quick MRI will confirm the neck’s still being naughty.

It’s a really good job that Paula Abdul doesn’t have a painkiller addiction, because if she did it would mean that her vast staff, and all the doctors and therapists she sees (“let’s work with the muscle energies”), were despicably irresponsible human beings who were ignoring the real problem in favour of continuing to receive money from her. Thank goodness that definitely isn’t the case.

6 Comments for this entry

  • Martin Coxall

    Don’t forget seeing dancing cartoon cats with ‘tude.

  • Mark H Wilkinson


    (Eee, it’s ages since I’ve had the chance to do that. Takes me back to the days of Super Monkey World Land.)

  • bob_arctor

    Should I know this person or understand a single bit of what you said?

    It apparently isn’t off Big Brother says Google, and that is my immediate reaction to known celebrated person news: “Must be Big Brother, must be still on then.”

  • John

    Um, Paula Abdul – one of the most famous pop stars ever, and judge on American Idol.

  • Janek

    I haven’t heard of her either ¬_¬ Oh the joys of being young. Ish. And living in a hole.

    Although she is referenced a few posts up. Or down. WHATEVER.

  • bob_arctor

    Nope, I’m happy in ignorance.