John Walker's Electronic House

My Nemesis

by on Jul.02, 2007, under The Rest

There’s this bird – a dunnock – that sits outside my house and cheeps. How lovely, you might think. A little bird singing its heart out for you to hear. You might think.

This creature, this hellborn fiend, is the bane of my existence.

Every day, every single day, for the last few weeks, this BASTARD has ceaselessly uttered its piercing micro-shriek every two to three seconds, all day long, from before I wake up until after dark. It’s like the most evil car alarm in the world, except you can’t batter its doors in with a shovel. (Oh, but believe me, if I got the chance…)

I believe it has discovered the resonating frequency of my brain. Every time, every single time, it opens its foul little beak, a piece of me dies away. But does it do it with any regularity? Oh no. Nothing so predictable. Two second gap, followed by three second, then a sudden hope inspiring (perhaps it’s had a little birdy heartattack) ten seconds, then a sudden burst of them split seconds apart.

It taunts me, sitting on high tree branches, or telegraph wires, out of reach of my cat, and indeed my own mad, chasing clawed fists. It has successfully driven me insane. To the point where I have been stood on my doorstep at 8am, in my boxershorts and a t-shirt, clutching a super-soaker, trying to drown the little shit in the air. What has become of me? But believe me, I’ve hit it a bunch of times. I’ve sprayed that demon right in its hateful little face. It shuts it up briefly, and thus is worth not only the effort, but the certified madness. My dream: that I get a droplet down its little birdy lungs, and it coughs, lets out a strangled gurgle, and falls to the floor. Dead. Where I will dance around its spiteful corpse, and then feed it to my cat.

Its motivations are territorial. And believe me – it’s working. If it doesn’t bugger off soon, I will.

15 Comments for this entry

  • Feet

    Two words.

    Air. Rifle.

  • Chris

    Or perhaps some HCl in your super-soaker.

  • Willem100

    Send your cavalry in his flanks.

    Failing that, try trowing rocks. That works. Or, if you want to make sure you won’t get sued if you hit someone, try trowing a baseball.

  • Lu-Tze

    Good god, I should avoid reading your blog at work for fear that people might mistake my outbursts of laughter for insanity.

    By the end of the week I envisage some contraption that Wile E Coyote would be making notes on.

  • Nick Murdoch

    Ack, I had some crows on my roof earlier this month; their screams even managed to pierce my earplugs. Enough to drive anybody mad!

  • goz

    You sure he’s not just trying to thank you for saving his cousin’s life?

    Or perhaps there’s a little girl trapped down a well nearby?

  • The_B

    Napalm. Then Dexter also gets a cooked meal: Bonus!

  • Mark H Wilkinson

    Have you considered ear plugs?

  • John

    I think spending my entire day wearing earplugs might eventually prove inconvenient.

  • Willem100

    Attach wings to your cat.

  • Steve W

    Scatter poison-dipped breadcrumbs onto your roof. You might take out a couple of innocent sparrows, but this would be acceptable collateral damage in your ongoing War Against Nature.

  • Yann Best

    You should take advantage of the situation to gain dead-eye aim with a slingshot. Advantage being that if you aren’t entirely sure you want to kill the bugger, you can instead try and concuss it with screwed up paper. And if your cat should happen to take advantage of the situation… well, that’s just nature.

  • H

    I’m just impressed you knew the difference between a dunnock and a sparrow. My wife beat that into me for years. I flinch even now.

  • Tedi Worrier

    He’s just hedging his bets

  • Lizzie

    I know EXACTLY how you feel. It’s 7 AM here and it’s been going on for weeks now. I can’t take it! I live in a residential neighborhood with close neighbors and a murmur of crows that fills the sky like a Hitchcock movie. We’ve bought that air-gun (shoots BBs). But, I still have to be out there at the same time everyday. Today, we think we knicked one. HO HO!