The Grossest Thing That Has Ever Happened
by John Walker on Jun.24, 2007, under The Rest
Whatever gross things have happened to you, they are not nearly as gross as what just happened to me. I have suffered officially the grossest thing that’s ever happened to anyone.
Sat here, at my desk, I felt something wet under my right socked foot. “Some dropped food?” I wondered. How gross. I pulled my left socked foot back to see, and yes, there was something wet down there. What did I drop? How incredibly unpleasant. So I flick on a light, look down, and under my feet…
… IS A SMOOSHED SLUG.
Oh shitting crikey. Slugs are nature’s grossest things already, but seeing one on the carpet, half as thick in the middle as it was either end, with a bit more of it a few inches away… oh, blimey. I squished a slug with my toes. I don’t get squeamish, but that was as close as I’ve felt to it. Rather than feeling sick, I felt like I wanted to opt out of myself and float off somewhere far less tangible. My entire body began to cringe into mad angles like – and this is the best reference ever, friends – the teacher in Fairly Odd Parents when he says “FAIRY GOD PARENTS!”. Bundling about a foot of toilet paper around my palm, I scooped up the hideous remains and then tried to simultaneously carry it to the bin, while attempting to run away from my own arm.
Coming back with a sponge to clear up the… ullggh… slug goop, I then saw TWO MORE SLUGS ON THE CARPET.
I wish to stress at this point that I do not live in squalor, nor indeed in the sorts of damp, humid conditions you’d imagine slimey beasts might enjoy. My best (and most hopeful) guess is that the bastards came in on the recycling box that was used tonight as a stand for the digital projector. If it wasn’t that, then they’ve found a way in, and I’m moving out immediately.
I threw the socks in the bin.
June 25th, 2007 on 00:26
Is it wrong to laugh at your misfortune?
I hope not.
June 25th, 2007 on 03:47
I want to repeat what DaveT says and expand upon it. I don’t want these sorts of things to happen to you, but it is so entertaining when they do.
June 25th, 2007 on 06:45
We had a persistent slug problem back in the early ’90s. There’s nothing quite like putting your hand out to feel for the kitchen light switch and finding something not quite that plastic on the wall.
And then there was that time I was buttering bread, only for something to poke its head over the side of the butter dish as I was doing so…
June 25th, 2007 on 07:46
I can’t decide which of my uni kitchen slug experiences was worse – the time I stood on one in my bare feet first thing in the morning (lino floor too, so there was an element of sliding and squidging involved), or the time I found one in the process of crawling *out* of my cereal box (which had been in a cupboard!). Both involved an element of shrieking.
Still, nothing beats the time my parents found a dead mouse in the crumb tray of their toaster. Many months passed before I could eat toast again… Although, technically I have eaten caterpillars by choice, so I’m not sure how that’s ok, and mouse infused toast isn’t…
June 25th, 2007 on 14:20
That… is disgusting.
June 26th, 2007 on 18:01
We found a tick in our house, a few days ago. It was probably dead, but my sister told me to step on it to make sure it was dead. I put some toilet paper on it and I stepped on it. I was wearing shoes and all that, but I felt it pop. Urgh. Worse still was that I hadn’t thought of the fact that it was full of blood. It…it was sickening.
I hate insects. All of them.
June 26th, 2007 on 19:14
I thought you were gunna say “and I felt it burrow in” because that would be my worst nightmare ever.
June 28th, 2007 on 12:32
I once sat on a spider when I was getting dressed … it was in my underpants ….(too much informaton)… and it bit me …. didn’t help with my climbing skills though