John Walker's Electronic House

F***ball Hideout

by on Jun.09, 2006, under The Rest

First of all, yes, it is VERY funny that the title makes it look like I’ve invented a new sport of competitive doing sex. But there are teenagers reading, and they’ve never heard of “sex”, so it’s important we all smile inwardly and do our own jokes about “scoring” and “golden goals” in private.

More importantly: it’s started, which means there’s no escape.

So look, the best thing for all of us to do is gather together here, in this paragraph, and huddle for warmth. If we look after each other we can get through this with as few casualties as possible. Obviously some people have to be killed for entertainment purposes.

I also suggest climbing to the tops of hills or towers. It has been my experience this week that these are ideal locations for avoiding mention of it all. You don’t have to climb to the tops of the same hills or towers I did, but you do have to climb to the top of a hill or tower or you’ll get stabbed to death. Those are the rules.

My plans for hiding include going all the way to America to preside over my kingdom once more, which will be happening next Thursday. It happens that I hid in Chicago four years ago at this time, and I shall do the same once more. If you live in Chicago and bump into me while I’m there, please could you do me a small favour and not ask me every thirteen seconds if I’m missing the f***ball, or if I want to know how “England” are doing. The last part is bad grammar, if nothing else. England is not a plural noun. Also, only 11 or 15 or 34 or whatever people are playing, not 59 million. I don’t point this out only to be smug, but also to say that really it should be the case, like war, but even children and old people are forced to play too, so all 59 million people are on the pitch at once. It may seem impractical for some reason you’ve concocted with your pessimism, but think about it properly: there wouldn’t be any hooligans hanging around outside causing trouble, eh? See. Exactly.

In other news, I’ve been rather overwhelmed by the number of emails and instant messages and physical assaults in alleyways I’ve received over there not being any Brian’s Guide for a bit. Not very many people look at it, but it seems that all that do are very dedicated. I’m sorry it’s not been happening lately – there are two reasons: 1) It requires me to get around to doing it, and 2) My tablet pen is broken and it’s really annoying to draw with. I’m about ready to start it up again, but I’m not sure it would be a great idea to do it now, as I’m in America next week, and then off somewhere else as soon as I get back, and not around really until July. So then, ok. Brian’s back in July. And if I don’t keep my word then you have my full permission to put a bundle of £10 notes into an envelope and post them right to my house.

Please start your bets for how long it will be before I post a reworked version of my Why The George’s Cross Is Awful post in rage and fury.

And finally
, my new camera arrived today, and at my own suggestion pointed out to me by someone else, it would seem appropriate that my previous camera, broken beyond being of use to anyone, be destroyed in the most entertaining fashion imaginable, and this moment captured in photographic form on my new camera. It turns out this idea isn’t as mad and out-of-here-kerazee as it first sounds. It turns out that before cameras had been tamed and domesticated, this was the process by which older wild cameras would pass on the responsibilities of the herd to the young. So, suggestions please.

15 Comments for this entry

  • DaveT

    Aww, man, I wish I was going to Chigago to hide from the boring sport. I’m dreading the next few weeks (and secretly hope England lose as soon as possible so everyone will shut up about it) Oh and while you’re there, make sure my peons in Kentucky are behaving themselves. They’re a chicken loving mischevious bunch, they are.

    I miss Brian (as do quite a few of the people I know, they might not visit the site, but they do see each one.)

  • km

    Can they ask you about soccer instead?

    Here I thought you were coming to visit. You’re just using us to hide. I’m going to cry. Or have the cats pee in your bed.

  • Rev. S Campbell

    Anyone who doesn’t like football is gay. TRUFAX.

  • DaveT

    Funny, you thought I would’ve picked up on being gay by now.

  • David

    Please make sure you new camera properly works before you break your old one.

    KTHXBAI, as I hear they say ‘on the internet’.

    Also: Brian’s Guide to scoring in f***ball?

  • Craigp

    Use a disposable supermarket BBQs to burn your old camera to a charred, possibly toxic and explosive end. It’s summertime!

    Ooh, or use it to take (pretend) obnoxious photos of people in the street and hope that someone grabs it off you and smashes it. Have a friend photo/record that bit with your new camera. Chavs may help out on this.

    Two words: camera golf.

  • Jeremy Whittaker

    As for f***ball – O my God – something you and I agree on! I would certainly rather watch Doris Day singing as Calamity Jane than spend a month watching grown men spit.
    As for the camera: get a drill with a a very thin bit and drill right through the lens into the works. Just like drilling into a small furry creature’s eye.

  • charity


  • Tim R

    build a small ballista or trebuchet and see how far the camera will fly. And the JWs agreeing – I’ve just had to have a sit down…

  • The_B

    I hear Clay Camera Shooting is an interesting pastime at this time of year…

  • Tediworrier

    Before you destroy that chimera … did I buy it for you or is it the result of your own sweated toil?

  • admin

    You bought it for me about 7 years ago.

    What difference does that make? It’s broken beyond use.

  • Maddy

    Doris Day is a legend! Sort of. Gillian McKeith is better.

    I just think it’s funny that people put their £3 England flags on their thousand pound foreign cars. Great Patriotism.

    As for the camera – colour it with pink felt tip pens and stick on gems and glitter. Then sell it on Ebay.

  • Tedi Worrier

    7 years is a good age for a camera … that’s lots more in human years, of course.

    What’s the difference? The only difference is that I’d feel more sad if it was newer. You’ve done well to keep it going. My Sony had a nervous breakdown after only 5.

  • MHW

    Dear John,

    You are right about football. Martin and some of the others are being mean to me on Brass because I said it was rubbish. I wish I’d cherished you properly while you were still there.

    Yours sincerely,

    Mark H Wilkinson