John Walker's Electronic House

Eurovision RAWKS!

by on May.20, 2006, under The Rest

Finally the Eurovision Song Contest has delivered a Just Result!

Trying to explain Eurovision to someone in America is not an easy task. Obviously the “so bad it’s good” cliche is so over-used that few are prepared to believe it any more, and with American Idol the most popular programme on American television people are too ready to believe they have a vague understanding of what it’s all about. They don’t.

I love Eurovision. I can’t stand the vast majority of the self-aware tat that fills Saturday evenings, and will once more smugly not watch a single moment of Big Brother so I can feel special and self-important. But Eurovision is my annual treat, and I delight in wading in its monstrously abysmal tides.

This year’s was the most perfect example of all that makes it so very awful. Everyone took it madly seriously, but for three of the twenty-four countries. The ever-hilarious Germany swayed from their usual peculiarly clownish rock to some sort of Western-country nonsense with background cactii, while Lithuania made themselves heroes by performing a song entitled “We Are The Winners of Eurovision” – a prophecy that sadly didn’t come true. But fantastically came reasonably close. It must be seen.

But the consolation was joyous, with the first deserving winner in living memory. Rather than some dreadful ballad eventually being the near-random song to manage to poke its head above the political voting of the south and Eastern block, this year the most accomplished entry came top by a long stretch. Finland. The not so much ‘death metal’ as ‘bit of a cough metal’ band Lordi (The Lord), in their ghastly prosthetic masks and power-rock Meatloafian costumes (complete with extending black angelic wings), sang the least Eurovision song imaginable, entitled Hard Rock Hallelujah. Deliberately silly, and flaunting the confusion they enjoy over their spiritual alignment, the ridiculous rawk-and-droll chorus manages to even make a nod toward melody. And it deserves special merit for the lyrical beauty of “arockalypse” and “the day of rockening”!

Spectacular gibberish, and hopefully by celebrating it here, American readers will begin to understand exactly what they’re missing.

This is the band’s video of the song, as sadly there are as yet no decent quality uploads of tonight’s performance.

22 Comments for this entry

  • charity

    that made me cry little tears of awesome.

  • Neil

    I suspect the Yanks will treat this with their usual seriousness and endeavour.

  • afray

    Didn’t they just murder kids in that video? And turn them into kiddiezombies?


  • Mr Chris

    I thoroughly enjoy Eurovision every year. This year Mrs Chris and I devised our own five part scoring system (marks out of five for costume, dancing, sex appeal, how daft it was (“the euroefactor”), oh, and how good the tune was), under which the acappella Latvia entry won, for some reason.

    Enjoyable as it was, one wonders whether it would be quite such teh experience wihtout the redoubtable Mr Wogan providing the commentary.

    I suspect once he has moved (or passed) on, the viewing figures will dip considerably in the UK. I can’t think of a decent replacement, either.

  • Emma

    Only saw the last hour, but I loved Terry Wogan’s commentary: especially at about 11pm, when the results were crawling to a close and the glamorous dollybird presenter had just pronounced everything ‘amazing’ for the twenty-fourth time – “I’ve had almost nothing to eat all night”. Could just imagine him sitting there, sloshed and mad – but in a good way, bless him…

  • Steve W

    “[I] will once more smugly not watch a single moment of Big Brother so I can feel special and self-important.”

    This from the man who a couple of years ago told me I was talking nonsense when I said Big Brother was stale and idiotic. While you of course have the right to change your mind about something, I do now demand a grovelling apology.

  • Mrs Trellis

    I disagree – this was a quintessential Eurovision tune. Presumably GWAR’s lawsuit is in the post as I type.

  • admin

    I never said anything of the sort “a couple of years ago”. About five or six years ago I defended it, because its second series was good.

  • Steve W

    It was 2002, so we’re both wrong.

  • Tediworrier

    I remember! Even longer ago it took months to disentangle the creditcard payments.

    I watched the start of Big Brother on some random hotel-room-TV-channel and assumed it was a spoof of some Big-Brother-past!
    please tell me it was.

    Quote of that evening…. “just because I’m blonde and got big tits they assume….”

    Hmmm? Then came Saturday in the rain – Thank Heavens for Eurovison!

  • Maddy

    I wanted Lithuania to win.

    And I just thought.. Is Russia in Europe?

  • admin

    Then there’s Israel’s identity crisis.

  • Maddy

    AND!! Other countries like the Netherlands were not in it this year, but Israel was. What is THAT about???

  • admin

    You have to qualify now. Unless you’re Britain and pay for it, so get in no matter how awful your song is.

  • Williams mark2

    ahem…where is Brian?
    I miss his guidance.

  • Tediworrier

    Russia is in Europe, at least eastwards up to the Ural Mountains … after that it is Siberia, which is Asia. It would have been American too but they sold that bit to the Colonials (they called it “Seward’s folly” because they thought he’d done a bum deal … unitll They found the gold, then the oil but, sadly, no penguins.) … now they call it Alaska.

    ….next please

  • admin

    No no, Russia and America are opposite sides of the map. They’re nowhere near each other. You’re obviously mistaken.

  • Tediworrier

    No!….No!….No!….er….Yes!…..Yes! ….Yes!

    You have to fold it like this, you see, and bendthat bit over there and then tuck in the other corner and so you’ll see. Alaska used to be part of Siberia but they sold it and so I suppose They dragged it across and screwed it onto the end of Canadia … maybe because no one on the West Coast of USA was prepared to give up surfing for dog-sledging (or sledding … or sliding). …. and possibly giving rise to the expression, “You’re screwed” (?)

    ……….Would I lie to you?

  • Maddy

    Russia is not really in Europe. Only that tiny fractiont of Russia is in Europe. Why not call it “The Mountains” or something?

  • Tediworrier

    Admitedly, Russia is not as much in Europe as it used to be …. and it has always wanted to BE Europe, even under the Tsarsit had designs on Poland and probably even Bognor.

    How much of Turkey isn’t in Europe? …. most of it is called Asia Minor, which is a bit of a clue.

    Could imagine combining Big Brother with Eurovision?

    and,,,, The Now Show has ended its series …. how sad!

  • Dave Mcleod

    Notsure if I’ve just been asleep for a while ( i’ve more or les given up on TV with my advent of Bittorrent), but just saw Lordi’s video on Kerrang (I know, shoot me) – a sign of a breakthrough in the UK?

    Probably not.