John Walker's Electronic House

New Rules

by on Nov.15, 2005, under Rules

The Rules Page

#21 When two ‘o’s appear together in a word, no one under any circumstances is allowed to make them into eyes. For the word ‘look’ it is punishable by death.

#22 Presents may not be presented as from either babies or pets, once the presentee is over the age of 10.

#23 If you live in the UK, the amber light means GET READY. By the time it’s green, YOU GO. As it turns green, you are pulling away. And this is equally the case if you are seven cars back in the queue. You do not begin pulling away once you see the car in front move – you watch the lights. If you live in the US, or other countries without an amber before the light turns from red to green, you already manage this fine without the amber, so what the hell is going on UKites? Aren’t you humiliated? The rest of the world doesn’t even get the warning and they can manage it. You’re pathetic. Sort it out, for crying out loud. Look at yourself. It’s embarrassing.

#24 An ‘i’ may only be topped by a single dot. Adding a circle, or god forbid a heart, does not make you interesting, or kooky, or brighten anyone’s day. It makes you a moron who cannot manage the simplest of tasks without deliberately ruining everyone else’s lives.

#25 Txt spk is annoying enough in texts. You can’t say it in 140 correctly spelt and grammared characters? Phone me. But outside of texts – utterly banned. AN EMAIL HAS INFINITE ROOM. You, under no circumstances need to abbreviate anything. And here’s why: It’s harder for the person to whom you’re writing to read it. We learn to read, and we recognise word shapes immediately. Start encoding those shapes, and translation is required. It goes from seeing the word “to” without pause, to seeing that there’s the number “2”, translating it phonetically to all its other potentials, working out which one it must be in the context of the sentence, and then re-understanding it as “to”. IT’S ONE CHARACTER SHORTER. Stop it. You’re an idiot.

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