John Walker's Electronic House

Go Sox

by on Oct.13, 2005, under The Rest

Stage one of my plan has been executed perfectly.

I’m into America, without arousing suspicion. On the cunning pretence of “visiting Kim and Nick”, no one seems to have any idea of my masterplan.

Once I have fully infiltrated their people, I shall dispose their reigning monarch and declare myself KING OF AMERICA.

A select few shall be invited to join me in the royal courts, each given duchies and soforth. Jim Rossignol has already reserved Duke of California, so tough if you wanted that. If I deem you worthy, I will give you your desired state or commonwealth within North America. Territory will be snapped up quickly. Book early to avoid disappointment.*

Obviously, as the old saying goes, there’s a cost with every coup, and here it is Brian’s Guide. If I were organised I’d have a cartoon up saying something like “Brian is on holiday”, along with a slightly annoyingly cute remark. Now, Linux has proven fairly remarkable in detecting every device plugged into my computer without even asking a question, let alone asking for a driver and rebooting thirteen times. Mouse, keyboard, ADSL, monitor, graphics card, sound card (all five speakers working, which Windows couldn’t manage with the driver), printer, and so on. Graphics tablet, plugging and playing, that would be a big ask. But the geniuses at Touch, manufacturers of my tablet, state that they aren’t interest in producing Linux drivers, because they don’t want more people to buy their product, apparently. That would make them money, or something equally unsavoury. I thought, what the heck though, I’ll have a go. And it worked! No drivers, no info, no setting up – the pen moved the pointer. And then all hell broke loose. Query windows opened faster than I could close them, menus started flickering, applications loaded themselves and then went into a frenzy of activity – a poltergeist had taken possession of my machine. So, in short, no Brian until I have finished my capture of this nation. Week after next, then. But don’t fear – this isn’t May all over again – he will definitely be back.

One of the first things I shall be changing when I am King will be American keyboards. Yes, of course, it does make more sense to have the ” above the ‘ on the keyboard, relegating the @ to above the 2, but who wants sense when you can have nonsense? Man, I’ll be such an amazing King. And they’ll be getting proper-sized Enter keys as well, so you can find them.

It’s all about priorities. And talking of which…


To see currently appointed Dukedoms, click here.

*The importance of the duke/duchess position may go down as well as up. The reigning monarch reserves the rights to behead any who lose favour without prior warning. Side effects may include headaches or nausea, and extreme shortness of breath.

31 Comments for this entry

  • Lewis

    John, are you ever not in America?

  • admin

    Sor far:

    King John’s Royal Kingdom is Illinois
    Duke of California: Jim Rossignol
    Duke of Texas: Kieron Gillen
    Duke of Alaska: Stu Campbell

  • admin

    Which State do you want, Lewis?!

  • Pete Osborne

    Wisconsin, please.

  • Pete Osborne

    Yes! Duke of Wisconsin. Must tell the in-laws…

  • Cian

    Given the apparent hatred the rest of the population seems to hold for New Jersey, I would like to request it’s Barony that I might carry out my rule of xenophobia, paranoia, opression and such like in peace and relative quiet. (As opposed to Alaska where my relaxing dystopia would be constantly interrupted by seals, inuits, oil lines and such undesirables)

  • m

    I would like either Hawaii or Nevada, please. If I get Nevada, I’ll raise local taxes so that I can afford to buy Hawaii, then lower the taxes again so that I’m not left with a pile of sand and a death sentence. I’ll accept a share of Alaska, if it remains unallocated come the revolution, mainly because I assume that the whole place is like Northern Exposure, thus charming, benevolent and with an ex-astronaut in every town. Also, I can take up moose shooting. In return, I’ll give you Tuscany when I take Italy.

  • admin

    Cian – are you a boy or a girl?

  • Lewis

    Can I have Nevada?

    I just think it’d be funny to ban gambling there.

  • Feet

    Can I have MIssissisisiisisisiissipipppiippiipipi please

  • Paul Black - Khan Of All Essex

    I would like to be UrKhan of Somewhere steppe like in the mid west. Indiana would be lovely.

  • KM

    Can I have the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania, please, since my other states are taken? And can we just do away with Texas and perhaps Arkansa? Furthermore, is it weird to be replying after you’ve typed this entry on my own computer?

  • Wilko

    May I have Florida? I plan to detach that unsightly, dangling appendage from the underside of the USA. I shall tow it to Cuba, then graft it to the side in what I firmly believe would be both a novel and genuinely workable solution to years of discord. I don’t know why they haven’t thought of it already…

    Barring that, one of the Dakotas (not Fanning).

  • Lewis

    As a side-note, is anyone here entering NaNoWriMo this year?

    Hopefully you all are.

  • RowanDT

    Can I be Viscount of Washington State? I’d make the town where Twin Peaks was filmed as the Noble Capital and turn the Space Needle into a rocket.

  • antichaos

    I’ll take Wyoming please. I’m not sure I can cope with duking over more than 14 people.

  • Graham

    Can I have New England, perchance?

  • admin

    You have to chose one bit of it, Greedy Graham. Just one state each, or nothing at all.

  • DAT500

    Give me Arizona and I won’t fail you.

  • Iain

    I’ll have Montana, please.

  • Feet

    Cian is a boy btw. Atleast he was when I spoke to him on Teamspeak last. Maybe he’s had an operation since…

  • hard but not

    I wonder if I could perchance gain the state of Rhode Island. That’d give me providence. And I’ve always wanted a bit of that. In fact I’d call it the Providence of Rhode Island if I could.

  • Andy Krouwel

    Bags Delaware.

    Bet nobody else wants it.

  • Graham

    New Hampshire please.

    Sorry about that. Turns out my geography trivia is rubbish.

  • Tedi Worrier

    I’ll take Oregon, please … after all, it IS Bri[by right of discovery]ish … until those colonials stole it !

  • Tedi Worrier

    What happened to my > ??

  • Tedi Worrier

    oh rats!!!! It’s gone …. can I just have Canada then, please – I assume you’ll be moving on after you’ve subsumed the fleshpots of Nebraska … or something

  • Richard

    Can I have New Mexico?

    – Richard Millington

  • Tim

    I wish I’d been fast enough to claim Wyoming, because it’s so square. Please could I have Dukedom of Maine, as it’s the state that looks most like a dog’s head? All of my subjects would wear dog’s-head helmets, and greet each other with barking noises.
    I would float down the Androscoggin on a Ducal raft made of white pine and hemlock, surveying my vast land of generally poor soil and a short growing season, geographical remoteness from production centers, an inadequate distribution system, lack of coal and steel, and a reluctance to adopt modern methods of production and merchandising.

  • admin

    Tim who? Honestly, the egos of you people.

  • Tim

    Sorry sir. Tim Major.