John Walker's Electronic House

Stage one of my plan has been executed perfectly.

I’m into America, without arousing suspicion. On the cunning pretence of “visiting Kim and Nick”, no one seems to have any idea of my masterplan.

Once I have fully infiltrated their people, I shall dispose their reigning monarch and declare myself KING OF AMERICA.

A select few shall be invited to join me in the royal courts, each given duchies and soforth. Jim Rossignol has already reserved Duke of California, so tough if you wanted that. If I deem you worthy, I will give you your desired state or commonwealth within North America. Territory will be snapped up quickly. Book early to avoid disappointment.*

Obviously, as the old saying goes, there’s a cost with every coup, and here it is Brian’s Guide. If I were organised I’d have a cartoon up saying something like “Brian is on holiday”, along with a slightly annoyingly cute remark. Now, Linux has proven fairly remarkable in detecting every device plugged into my computer without even asking a question, let alone asking for a driver and rebooting thirteen times. Mouse, keyboard, ADSL, monitor, graphics card, sound card (all five speakers working, which Windows couldn’t manage with the driver), printer, and so on. Graphics tablet, plugging and playing, that would be a big ask. But the geniuses at Touch, manufacturers of my tablet, state that they aren’t interest in producing Linux drivers, because they don’t want more people to buy their product, apparently. That would make them money, or something equally unsavoury. I thought, what the heck though, I’ll have a go. And it worked! No drivers, no info, no setting up – the pen moved the pointer. And then all hell broke loose. Query windows opened faster than I could close them, menus started flickering, applications loaded themselves and then went into a frenzy of activity – a poltergeist had taken possession of my machine. So, in short, no Brian until I have finished my capture of this nation. Week after next, then. But don’t fear – this isn’t May all over again – he will definitely be back.

One of the first things I shall be changing when I am King will be American keyboards. Yes, of course, it does make more sense to have the ” above the ‘ on the keyboard, relegating the @ to above the 2, but who wants sense when you can have nonsense? Man, I’ll be such an amazing King. And they’ll be getting proper-sized Enter keys as well, so you can find them.

It’s all about priorities. And talking of which…

WHO SHALL BE MY QUEEN?

To see currently appointed Dukedoms, click here.

*The importance of the duke/duchess position may go down as well as up. The reigning monarch reserves the rights to behead any who lose favour without prior warning. Side effects may include headaches or nausea, and extreme shortness of breath.