John Walker's Electronic House

by on Dec.21, 2004, under The Rest

I know everyone does this, but I never have, and hey, it’s the week before Christmas. Here are some of the search engine entries that have led people to discovering this blog.

baby doctor botherer

One of many variations using the obscurity of the word ‘botherer’. And possibly one of the more disturbing. As with most of these mysterious searches, the two key questions are: 1) What was this person looking for, and 2) Why did the think this result one that merited visiting?
I like to think that this person intended to learn ways to annoy a local paediatrician, but just didn’t know how to spell paediatrician. I hope they weren’t too let down at the lack of irritation suggestions, but in case they should return, here are a couple of ideas:

1) You could place adverts in the local papers promising a free Pokemon giftset to all children attending the surgery.

2) You could spray swearwords all over the doctor’s house, and then bearing pitchforks and burning torches, chase them from the town. A helpful link here.

banana spliff

Surely by now everyone knows this doesn’t work? I couldn’t work out how this one had come about for a while, but then it all became clear. From the tales of Holland, Yahoo!’s search! engine! combining the flavours of fruity beers with the mocking of a rubbish Brit. Again, the crushing disappointment of the searcher, desperately trying to create the mythical budget high, must have been awful.

gasps in evolution

This is beautiful. I wish I had written it. The passage that tricked Google was, “Hale’s photography bemused and caused gasps. Its evolution over the year has been splendid to be confused by…”. Although I may now write a book with this title. I think I can lay some claim to the words, since I appear to be the number 2 result for the phrase on Google. Look out for Gasps In Evolution: An Exploration of the Breathless Nature of Nature’s Breathlessness by John Walker, in all good-to-fair bookshops.

losing the voice

Far worse than losing your voice, is losing the voice. When put in possession of the voice, one of the huge responsibilities is to keep it in your sight at all times. I dread to think of the individual’s panic when they realised they’d lost the voice, and in desperation had to search the internet for tips on recovery.

continuous consumption of paracetamol

In my understanding of the world, the story here is that someone was on the verge of a suicide attempt, and had the foresight to research it properly beforehand. Rushed suicide attempts are lazy and disorganised. But then, during this preperation, by the grace of God, Providence, Fate, stumbled upon this blog. Yes, the reference was only to the desire for cough medicine without the drug, and certainly not what was being looked for. But despite this, the entry was still read, and then a couple either side, until eventually the witty prose and fascinating insight became a beacon of saving light, giving both hope in the future and a reason to live. This brings the number of lives saved by this blog to three figures.


The only thing that brings me more joy than the knowledge that is the number 2 result for “w!nk” on the Belgian Google is the knowledge that it’s the number 1 result for “w!nk” on the international Google. And best of all: for no reason. However, it’s life-affirming to learn that all “w!nk” traffic will be coming my way.

Google says, “Did you mean: wnk“. No, I’m fairly sure that’s not what they meant.

7 Comments for this entry

  • Richard Cobbett

    All I’m getting at the moment are horny idiots wanting naked pictures of Shahdee and Kaileena from POP2, Alyx from HL2, Harriet and Charlotte from LSL:MCL and…for reasons I do not want to know…Germaine Greer.

  • David

    Oh, sorry Richard. I’ll take my… erm… business, elsewhere.

  • Tim R

    How about making it your mission to be the answer to more googleplexes than any other site? I think that would be a worthy aim.

  • John

    What, you mean more than the BBC, CNN, IMDB… yeah, good plan.

  • Tim R

    Well, I admit it was a half-baked suggestion!

    May I humbly suggest that your gasps in evolution was supposed to be gaps in evolution: ie: the person was looking for an explanation for the leap between chimpanzees and humans.

  • John

    I’m still trying to see the leap, myself.

  • Tim R

    Some humans have leapt further than others. Those who have leapt furthest can see the leap most clearly!