John Walker's Electronic House

by on Oct.15, 2004, under The Rest


Friday was a day during which they actually had the audacity to expect us to do some work. Oh, and what work.

We began with breakfast in a cafe next door to the (bonkers) hotel, which took an astonishing 35 minutes to prepare and serve a bowl of cereal. Special commendation to them for that – it can’t be easy. They didn’t appear to have been especially carefully arranged in the bowl, but perhaps it was too sophisticated for my ill-educated eye. I coped. Unfortunately the other PR with us, Bo, burned the place to the ground with her evil glare.

And then… then, we were forced to work. Those hateful slave-driving Nazis dragged us kicking, screaming, nay, wailing, to Lucas Valley, and up to Skywalker Ranch. THEY ARE SO CRUEL.

At this point I would like to put one of the photographs of the Ranch to illustrate, but unfortunately we’re not allowed to publish them. So instead I’ll link to someone else’s photograph from their website, so LucasFilms murder them instead. I’m sure it’s the property of and so on.

ranch dressing

It’s pretty cool to get to go there, and the photo above is one of very few anywhere on the internet, so it’s a treat to see it and look around. Which makes me a complete git for this being my second visit.

Almost evil Will Porter was a very excited little puppy. You see, Will has a condition that I should explain. Will likes Star Wars Episodes 1 and 2. I don’t think there’s an official charity set up yet for people with this, but clearly there’s a lot of research needed, and hopefully one day there will be a cure. For now, just send you money to me, and I’ll absolutely definitely make sure it goes to him straight away. (Cheques with Will’s name on them are not acceptable, for some reason).

Our arrival was not exactly ceremonial. We pulled up outside the Ranch to be greeted by a guard (no, not a Stormtrooper, you hideous geek) who asked us if we would get back into our van and drive to a carpark around the corner and hide, because some “VIPs are coming”. Apparently the sight of us would have been more than their Very Important Eyes could have coped with. I remain convinced that she had become confused, and we were the said VIPs. Confused by our scruffy appearance, she didn’t realise our import, and made a terrible fool of herself. Luckily, while in the other carpark, we saw a lizard.

Inside is great, and you haven’t seen it and I have so I’m best. But very best of all are the two cabinets in a hallway between two rooms. Upon those shelves lie some excellent items, including:

The original lightsabre handles from the films
An AT-AT used in Jedi
Indiana Jones’ hat and whip
The golden statuette from Raiders
The Holy Grail itself
Willow’s wand

but casting a shadow over all else:

Howard the Duck’s guitar

Oh yes.

We then did some of what we were really there to do, which was go down the road to Big Rock and look at some computer games. What a terrible hardship.

Black Rock also contained the gift shop. I bought, and I cannot tell you how proud I am of this, a Skywalker Ranch oven glove. No, you can’t touch it.

If only Luke had been wearing this

There’s every likelyhood we did something exciting in the evening.

7 Comments for this entry

  • MHW

    I don’t think there’s an official charity set up yet for people with this, but clearly there’s a lot of research needed, and hopefully one day there will be a cure.

    I’m absconding with this line, for use against Morgan the next time he produces one of his “Jar Jar’s fine. You do know they’re only for kids?” jellies.

  • Will

    Episode 2 is good.

    I have little more to say.

    Although I do like the ‘ptwang’ noise when those sonic mines go off.

  • Nick Mailer

    It is good, only in the sense that, compared with slow decapitation, self castration is “good”.

  • MHW

    To be fair, some of the set pieces (Fett vs Kenobi, say) work quite well.

    But I think Terry Gilliam made the most sense when he described the prequels as films about backgrounds: supremely well choreographed stuff behind the players, but not much of interest in the foreground.

  • Tim R

    I’m with Nick. He’s a man of taste.

  • John

    That Nick happens to be correct on this occasion is no basis upon which to make such a statement.

  • Will

    I liked it best when all the stuff got blown up.

    That was good.

    Also Padme = ded fit 111 etc.