by botherer on Aug.31, 2004, under The Rest
Folks and arteries, I am in Uncivilised London today, inevitably stumbling upon all manner of hilarious incidents to be repeated within the blogwalls of this land.
So tales of SUPER MONKEY WORLD will have to wait for tomorrow, meaning you won’t yet be hearing tale of POISONOUS BURGERS, WHY BRITAIN SHOULD BE ENTIRELY TARMACKED or THE EXPLOSION THAT KILLED A THOUSAND MONKEYS. One of these tales you won’t be hearing even when I do write about it.
Meanwhile, please write your predictions of my London adventures in the Tsukkomis. Remember, tiny babies read this site, so try as hard as you can not to use poopywords.
August 31st, 2004 on 11:13
John falls over. The end.
I’m tired, okay?
August 31st, 2004 on 12:50
John sits on delayed train, goes to meeting, looks at games, asks questions. Lunch will be cold collation. At a guess.
August 31st, 2004 on 13:28
John meets tube girl. Fails to talk to tube girl. Sensitive, angst-ridden, Proustian prose ensues. Tube girl accidentally reads blog (this bit is a long shot); makes contact. Romance blossoms. She turns out to belong to the enemy, and is promised to some guy called Paris, or Alan. John and tube girl plan daring fake death scene. Story ends in a neon-cross decorated church, lit by a thousand candles, and with the strains of Wagner’s Liebestod from Tristan und Isolde playing in the background. Can I have my booker now please?
August 31st, 2004 on 13:39
John sees two videogames and decides which one he wants to review.
KG
August 31st, 2004 on 16:26
John goes South.
Waits.
Nothing happens.
Ghostly voice whispers: Vain…
August 31st, 2004 on 17:33
John is seriously injured in a freak pavement mishap, after a cyclist decides it would be Wrong to travel on the actual road provided because it would endanger the car users. John details amusing bike-related calamity on blog and rails against evil cyclists, demanding their relegation back to the roads. MHW laughs. Everyone else nods heads sagely, saying, “I told you so.”
August 31st, 2004 on 18:06
“Tube Girl” is too close to “Tub Girl” in the mental association stakes.
August 31st, 2004 on 18:41
John talks about little-known Radio 4 comedies in a loud voice. Comes home.
August 31st, 2004 on 18:53
John spends whole day being shunned by his peers on account of not having noticed still having bits of exploded monkey guts in his hair, feels sad, goes home, looks in mirror, tuts and chuckles fondly to himself. Then is killed by falling piano.
September 1st, 2004 on 10:48
walker gets lynched at paddington by large groups of tiny babies yelling “POOPYWORDS! POOPYWORDS!? WHAT THE-“
September 1st, 2004 on 14:40
And the winner was…
No one. Jonty was almost right, but the train was disturbingly on time.