by John Walker on Sep.02, 2003, under The Rest
Here is an error it is possible to make.
If you were to get up in the “morning” and realise that you needed to put a wash on, what you would do is pick up the large pile of slightly steaming clothes from the “Clothes Pile” on your floor, and lug them to the washing machine in the kitchen. You would then push them inside, add the plastic bubble of washing liquid magic, close the door, and turn it on. “Yes, we know how to put a wash on”, you say, out loud, which is weird of you. Ah, but I’m not telling you How To Put A Wash On. You’re being impertinent. I’m telling you what you might do. You might do all of this in your pyjamas.
Well, not pyjamas – does anyone actually wear pyjamas? But the clothes you wear in bed – the t-shirt and hideous cotton trouser-things if you’re me. Which you’re not.
And you see, while it all may seem Innocent Enough, you’ve forgotten one very important thing. You’ve left doing your washing for so long, that you’ve not any underwear left.
And you’ve done this in your pyjamas.
You’ve no pants.
Not even yesterday’s dirty ones. They’re all in the wash. It’s too late.
If you have to go to Bristol in the evening, that means you’ve no pants to wear, and they’re never going to dry in time. Especially if you leave them in the machine for some hours after they’ve finished washing. Especially if you do that.
So it’s 6pm, I need to leave in half an hour, and I’ve no pants. None at all. Apart from the clean pair in the carrier bag in the back of my car I don’t know about yet but that would have solved everything.
And an idea occurs to me: I could try microwaving my pants.
I’ve heard rumour of such a thing happening. I’ve even seen it give swimming trunks magical properties on Round The Twist. But it didn’t only bestow super-human powers upon them – it also made them dry.
Microwaving your pants Does Not dry them. It makes them hot AND wet. And it doesn’t give them magic powers either.
I wore swimming shorts under my jeans to Bristol. There’s a hole in the jeans in a Bad Place, and there was to be no not wearing swimming shorts under my jeans to Bristol.
I’m going on holiday tomorrow.
I’m going here:
with Sian and Richard.
HOLIDAY HOLIDAY!
Water the plants for me.