Rum Doings Episode 94: Like A Lady Kebab
by John Walker on Dec.30, 2011, under Rum Doings, The Rest
Rum Doings Episode 94 begins with quite the clanger. John’s freshly appointed wife reveals she is carrying Nick’s lovechild. (Also, we can’t count and thought this would go out after the New Year.) Which is only appropriate, since this pre-recorded episode (as opposed to those we perform live in your ears) contains our offering advice to our listeners. Our rubbish, rubbish listeners.
John has recently discovered the splendid podcast, My Brother My Brother And Me, and as is always the way of the great artistic minds, wanted to copy it. Incorrectly stating that they no longer take questions from listeners, thus attempting to fill a gap that’s already filled just fine, we begin by suggesting meeting women at refuge shelters. We are keeping it classy.
How to deal with loose skin, survive a mortgage, fake your own death (and indeed get away with your own murder), things to do in the bath, how to marry cats and dogs, and then we move on to just being horrible racists as usual. We consider how much better life is if you don’t live as if you’re constantly about to be burgled or stolen from, and much discussion of wee. We then get a weeny bit more serious and address a final question on social anxiety disorder, with some genuinely sensible advice.
And don’t take our insults too personally – we love you all, even though you’re all so rubbish.
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[audio: http://rumdoings.jellycast.com/files/audio/rumdoings_e94.mp3]
December 30th, 2011 on 17:47
The ultimate treatment for social phobia is to murder everyone on earth. It’s rather hard work, though.
John, how can you say that hayfever is rubbish? It’s one of the most infuriating ailments possible. Even when you really try very hard to enjoy the summer, it’s just not possible when your body is too busy being cretinous. It would almost be preferable to have something genuinely dangerous, because at least then it’d feel like there’s something at stake, rather than just being constant unpleasantness for absolutely no reason.
You are a cruel and evil man. Also my keys were not in the kitchen. I am cancelling my subscription.
December 30th, 2011 on 18:34
Just stop it. Seriously, finding a way to be a downer when it’s sunny? Ridiculous. You’re not fooling anyone.
December 30th, 2011 on 20:31
Are you saying it’s the complaining about hayfever that bothers you, rather than the hayfever itself? Because that would be less bad and wrong.
Imagine having your enjoyment of most sunny weather ruined by default by constant sneezing and snotting, followed by the general feeling of Unclean Nasty Face Disease. That’s hayfever, that is. If someone’s putting up with that without complaining to everyone else all the time, well, they are clearly just plain better than normal people.
If they moan about it all the time though, then by all means, pelt them with eggs.
December 30th, 2011 on 20:51
I believe that hayfever sufferers have the right to complain to the fullest capacity. It is a plague upon society. It’s worse than being raped with knives.
December 30th, 2011 on 23:09
No, I’m simply saying that hayfever doesn’t exist, and those who pretend to have it are going out of their way to find a reason to complain even on a lovely sunny day.
December 31st, 2011 on 00:33
Getting a train from New York to somewhere like Mexico, Miami etc. wouldn’t work, if I recall correctly. Long-distance train services in the US require proof of identification, and would keep records.
December 31st, 2011 on 12:47
It’s lovely to see that you’ve started listening to MBMBaM, John! It’s worth mentioning that they still do take questions from the listeners. I’d be interested to know what you have against Kermode. I’ve always found him jolly amusing.
December 31st, 2011 on 17:20
Well, that’s just silly. I can think of much better thngs to complain about, especially if I’m allowed to invent illnesses. Have I told you about my thermolytic neuritis? Oooh, it’s horrible come July, it is. The pain, John. The pain.
January 3rd, 2012 on 13:07
The bath spa is over priced, but going swimming while having a view of the city is pretty nifty. They also have saunas which smell of various overpoweing scents, which was just weird….
Wee is an issue I have- on planes I usually get paranoid about my next bathroom break, and must use the toilet to ensure I’ll be fine (“what if we’re stuck on the runway for a long time,” I worry).
January 3rd, 2012 on 19:35
So just to make a quick list, John you don’t like:
Myst
The Wire
Star Wars
The Lord of the Rings
Simon Pegg in Star Trek
I have to ask, do you just hate things that are fun?
January 3rd, 2012 on 23:07
Mark Kermode on his own is kind of silly opinianted and does think highly of himself. But because he is paired with Simon Mayo who does poke fun of some of his sillier comments it kind of actually works. The podcast always makes me laugh, and sometimes offers me films I wouldn’t of heard of to go and see.
January 4th, 2012 on 00:26
@Xercies
Agreed. I would have never heard of the white ribbon without the podcast.
January 4th, 2012 on 16:27
@Arthur – but half of the stuff on your list is rubbish. Then again, half of John is rubbish too.
February 4th, 2012 on 10:29
I just wtchaed 140 people walk off a plane. I'm sitting at the airport, it's late, and these are tired travelers. They're walking exhaustion and they are every shape, size and color you'd find in a bag of halloween candy (okay, there are not any purple people yet).Some are obviously strangers chatting, some are travelling with friends and loved ones. Some are alone. All of them are damaged, all of them a mixed bag of frustration, happiness, battle scars and optimism. I'd venture to guess each has seen their heart's hope challenged in numerous ways.I'd venture to guess some are walking towards their next emotional boxing match.Thing is, no one isn't damaged. Flat out, we're each struggling to find our place if we succeed at 'that' it simply means we've learned to except that the human condition is one of perpetual imperfection. We fear our own emotions, and we most certainly fear the vulnerability that each new person in our life represents. Sharing our lives with someone is our most courageous endeavor; never meant to be easy and never meant to anything more concrete than a commitment to the process. Everyone wants someone who's damaged. It's the ones who think they aren't you've got to look out for. Damaged, crazy, quirky, weird, unique; we're all just looking for the damage that shines in the light we see the world through.