Rule #38
by John Walker on Feb.26, 2010, under The Rest
New Rule. It’s an emergency one.
#38 NO ONLINE ACCOUNTS FOR BABIES OR PETS OR ANYTHING ELSE THAT ISN’T YOU.
Completely outlawed are Twitter, Facebook, Bebo or whatever else accounts for anyone that isn’t you. Your baby can neither read nor write, let alone comprehend what Twitter is. Your baby is a barely sentient parasite, and there’s nothing cute or endearing about pretending that he or she is writing your observations that you somehow think – despite there being almost 7 billion people are alive – are unique to your vomiting blob.
The same goes for pets. Your cat isn’t typing, is it? What is it doing? It’s ignoring you, isn’t it? Your cat has better things to do than you, which is why it’s not writing on Twitter about how much it loves its mummy. You are. So stop it, because good grief.
February 26th, 2010 on 14:38
I agree wholeheartedly with this. Won’t someone not think of the children?
February 26th, 2010 on 14:38
MY DADY DID TOLD ME THAT U NEED CREEM TEEES EVRY DAY. I NOW SEE HE IS TROO.
February 26th, 2010 on 14:43
What about toys and or mascots?
February 26th, 2010 on 14:44
I agree with Masked Dave, this needs to cover whether or not Wolverine is allowed to have a Facebook page.
February 26th, 2010 on 14:44
Nick, Victoria, you need help. I imagine you also need sleep, but in this case, first and foremost, psychological help.
February 26th, 2010 on 14:45
And the rule is perfectly clear. Are you Wolverine? Then no, you can’t have a Wolverine Facebook page.
February 26th, 2010 on 14:48
I’m glad to know I can set up my Facebook page now, I thought a previous rule said something about no mutants on Facebook…
February 26th, 2010 on 15:22
I think the rule should extend to blog comments made under false names for “comedy” purposes.
February 26th, 2010 on 15:55
I wholeheartedly agree with jsutcliffe.
February 26th, 2010 on 15:56
But. . . but. . . I like @Sockington.
February 26th, 2010 on 16:04
Hmm, I’ve never encountered this before. Is it a widespread problem or is it just your friends who do this sort of thing, John?
February 26th, 2010 on 16:35
This rule should be law. As should the amendment suggested by the learned and honourable jsutcliffe.
February 26th, 2010 on 17:45
You know your arch-nemesis Mitch Benn breaks this rule? His daughter Greta has her own Twitter. Being fair, however, it’s funnier than most of the bilge he comes out with.
February 26th, 2010 on 18:12
Is this about Mitch Benn again? It’s like watching your parents fight…
February 26th, 2010 on 19:29
Mrow?
February 26th, 2010 on 22:22
BOOBEEZ AR NISE.
February 27th, 2010 on 01:22
This has absolutely nothing to do with Mitch Benn. (In fact, I think the Twitter name used states that it’s not her.) It’s about Nicholas and Victoria Mailer. And indeed everyone else in the universe who does it.
February 27th, 2010 on 01:29
Ahh okay. I guess once all my friends get to *that* age I’ll have to start unfollowing people… Mitch Benn’s literally the only person I’ve seen do it but clearly I live a sheltered life.
February 27th, 2010 on 01:54
Some day I hope to use most of these rules against you.
February 27th, 2010 on 04:21
Well, I bet my pet rock won’t retweet your podcast now. >:(
February 27th, 2010 on 11:32
JON WALNKER IZ BIG FAT BOOLEE.
[Written by a woman in her 30s everybody. Her 30s. -JW]
February 27th, 2010 on 16:54
Judy isn’t in her 30s. She’s only 4 months.
[Written by a man in his 30s everybody. His 30s. -JW]