Umbrellas
by John Walker on Jul.06, 2005, under Rants
A number of people have mentioned to me recently that they perceive a tone of intolerance on this blog. This concerns me deeply, as I am the most happiest, fun-loving person going, and that these morons could think something so astonishingly rude really does sadden me.
Anyway, that aside, today I wish to condemn all owners of umbrellas to eternal torment.
I don’t call them “umbrellas”. I call them “Nine Pointed Death Stars”. And I am now firmly of the belief that possessing one without first attaining a Nine Pointed Death Star Licence should be an imprisonable offense.
The moment the tiniest droplet of rain is titrated from a cloud, up swoosh these ridiculously huge, and hugely dangerous weapons, endangering anyone who has managed the self-awareness to recognise that they are waterproof. Dodging the genuinely harmful metal spikes that begin spinning down all sides of the streets is like something from a Tomb Raider game, except without the medpacks and calming slaughter of endangered species. If someone were weilding anything else of that size and lethality, they would be immediately arrested.
I’m not arguing for them to be banned. I’m a reasonable person. I’m arguing that everyone should have to attend lessons and complete an examination before being allowed to weild one.
However, golfing umbrellas are quite another matter. What on earth is going on with those? Fifty percent of the death stars on the streets of Bath are now these vast, marquee-like weapons of mass destruction. HOW WIDE DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? I’ll tell you – it’s shoulder-width. You do not need a golfing umbrella. Guess what they’re for? There’s a clue in the title. Go on, see if you can.
Banned. Absolutely banned. The punishment for carrying on is to be dropped from roof height, legs apart, onto it, which will them be unceremonously opened.
Off on holiday for the rest of the week. Be happy.
July 6th, 2005 on 18:47
Nine-pointed.
July 7th, 2005 on 00:04
I don’t think you’re being ironic enough, John.
July 7th, 2005 on 22:41
See, now even I don’t know if I’m being ironic enough.
July 8th, 2005 on 08:39
John, how do you feel about Blacks?
KG
July 8th, 2005 on 15:37
/laughs
July 8th, 2005 on 17:54
You’re all filthy umbrella sympathisers.
July 9th, 2005 on 01:14
What about those umbrella-hat combo things? Are those acceptable or worse again?
July 9th, 2005 on 08:59
They are the best thing ever, so long as they do not exceed shoulder width.
They could only be improved if they were to have a small propeller on the top.
July 10th, 2005 on 16:07
What about those very small radius but low umbrellas which actually could end up covering you face, shoulders, and chest?
July 10th, 2005 on 16:42
John: in what possible, comprehendable way would a small propeller on the top help them do their job as an umbrella?
July 10th, 2005 on 17:26
Lewis: I find your inability to understand the joy of such an item to be quite sickening. [sicky noises]
July 10th, 2005 on 21:40
Flick the corner as you walk past and then grab your face shouting “argh my eye my eye” one of my favourite sports when I used to travel to London winding up suits.
July 11th, 2005 on 09:27
Perhaps one day the government will one day ban umbrellas on grounds of danger, leaving only one possible alternative…. hoods.
July 11th, 2005 on 10:10
Or ‘staying inside.’
July 11th, 2005 on 15:44
spoil sport
July 11th, 2005 on 20:48
perhaps blue water will ban umbrellas for as John has demonstrated someone carrying such a dangerous and deadly weapon is surely of greater risk than a moody teenager… or maybe teenage thugs will begin carrying umbrellas instead of wearing hoods???