(Oh, and a note to everyone who keeps telling me I’m too miserable and grumpy. Most of these Rules are now being suggested by other people. I’m just telling the people what the people want the people to know).
#26 You call people the name they tell you. If someone is introduced as ‘Nicholas’, then they’re ‘Nicholas’, and not ‘Nick’, until they tell you they can be. And by the way, this goes for countries too. What on earth is with this crazed renaming of nations into our own tongue? Really, we’re still not at a point where we can show enough respect to call a country by the name the people who live in the country call it?
England: No no no, it’s sweet that you think you’re called ‘Deutschland’, but actually it’s ‘Germany’. You know, as in ‘Germanic’.
Deutschland: Well, we’re doing fine with Deutschland.
England: Aw, how endearing. Well, that’s nice and all, but it’s Germany.
#27 If you don’t have everything with you that you need in order to smoke, you don’t get to smoke. Bring what you need for your ridiculous behaviour when you go out. Really – you smoke, but you don’t have a means of setting the thing on fire? Really?
#28 You leave a message on the second call. Any third calls in a row will now cause instant disease. If you need to get hold of someone, such that it would warrant needing to phone them three times in one half hour, you leave a damn message on the second failed attempt. What’s your plan? Wear them down? They’re not answering because they want to see if you really mean it? OR MAYBE THEY’RE BUSY AND CAN’T ANSWER THE PHONE.
#29 Don’t ask people, “Could you remind me to…” Just remember for yourself. Someone doesn’t become accountable for your continued possession of margarine simply because you said to them, “Could you remind me to get margarine?” Here’s who having margarine is important to: you. So stop passing the responsibility for running the minutiae of your life onto those around you, and just write it down on a piece of paper. Yourself.
#30 Which means it’s actually ok to make the lame-ass joke as follows:
Lazy person: Could you remind me to get more matches?
Innocent person: Remember to get more matches.
Yes, it’s not funny at all. But it’s punishment for breaking Rule #29.
#31 While using a mobile phone, you are never to discuss the mobile phone you are using.
#32 You’re not allowed to use the word ‘actually’ any more. You never, ever need it. It’s a wasted word, a waste of everyone’s time. Scientists have shown that the average person uses the word ‘actually’ over 70,000 times a year, wasting 45 hours which could otherwise be used to scream at people who say ‘actually’. I expect. As for ‘basically’… Are you using those toenails?