New Rules
by John Walker on Nov.10, 2005, under Rules
#17 Any sentence that begins, “Am I the only person who thinks…” will always be followed by the most obvious, vacuous and mainstream thought possible.
#18 When walking down the pavement/sidewalk and someone is walking toward you in the opposite direction, the first person to move to one side has the priority. Moving over to the same side after the first person has moved over gives the first person permission to hit you with a pole. This situation is not funny in any sense, and nervous laughter in response is outlawed.
#19 If you think someone has forgotten that you’re meeting them, say, “I want to check that you remember that we’re meeting today,” and not, “Are we still on for later today?” or any other feeble attempt to make your accusation of your companion’s disorganisation look like a general enquiry.
#20 You do not need to qualify every comment you make with, “In my personal opinion…” If it’s an opinion you have, then yes, it will be yours, and indeed it will be personal, and indeed it will be an opinion. Such awful tautology demonstrates that anything qualified with such an introduction can only be the most redundant and idiotic opinion available. Although chances are it’s nothing of the sort, but something you read in the The Mirror and have unconsciously taken as your own belief.
November 10th, 2005 on 11:23
Always go left when you get that thing. So says Genius on Radio 4.
We get taught to use in my opinion etc. in French. Don’t use it when you talk to French people of course, only to the examiner.
November 10th, 2005 on 12:31
Actually, I’m pretty sure that does not encapsulate a situtation categorizable as tautologous unless it is some newfangled, modern definition of the word. Maybe “bourgeois solipsism,” but probably not.
Also, when the sidewalk thing happens, or there is a group coming, I just stop in my tracks rather than step off the sidewalk. If stoppers start cropping up in abundance, I will just smile and ask them about their thoughts on casual sex.
My opinions are all public domain and open source. All rights rebuked.
November 11th, 2005 on 12:24
Turner the Worm RIP.
November 13th, 2005 on 00:35
Can you add a rule that restricts babies and animals from giving presents? THEY CAN’T GIVE PRESENTS; THEY DON’T UNDERSTAND! (grumble, stupid family party)
November 13th, 2005 on 10:37
Ooh, that’s a good rule!
November 13th, 2005 on 21:35
Also for #21, only a dot may complete the letter i.
November 13th, 2005 on 23:32
Good thinking. Wow – my Vice Kingess of Americaland is immediately appointed Deputy Rule Maker of the Crown.
November 14th, 2005 on 00:14
Woohoo…yes you’ll surely punish me for my lazy grammar and typing at some point. I’ll then be beheaded and replaced. Alas, the royal life!
November 14th, 2005 on 08:32
That’s a good one about babies and animals, ‘KM’. I attempted to make the exact same point to my g/f last week when she told me she expected a card from our forthcoming child on her birthday next year. I lost the argument, obviously, so will instead make sure that the card is almost entirely made by the baby – grubby fingerpainting, a couple of squiggles and a bit of sick.
John, you missed one key rule: the one about setting off in good time when traffic lights go green? I thought that would be #1 on your list. But phrased funny, like.