We’re not really here. We’re in the past. In Episode 37 of Rum Doings we’re speaking to you from history. We’re not discussing whether organic produce is worth the premium for hard-working families.

Can you still lie in? Should God save the Queen? Then something I can’t bring myself to even type. But we can all see who really has the problem, Nick.

Once Nick stops upsetting John with horrible comments (surely this time he’ll garner complaints – come on people, complain), he then criticises John’s job. Then criticises his washing machine.

Why are John and Nick still friends, despite everything? What’s the secret to our parody of success?

Nick needs some suggestions for stopping the nasty boys in his neighbourhood on their noisy bikes. John tries to defend GPs. We then argue for more traffic wardens, and Traffic Politeness Officers. And the taint of BMWs.

Then we ponder the great debate of our time: how do you deal with a fly in your cake cabinet in Starbucks? And when should you sue a Starbucks?

Pencils, handwriting, typing, we cover all the big issues.

Then the tale of when Chris Eubank crushed John’s hand, and his ensuing madness.

Make us more famous than the moon. Tweet it, Facebook it, do whatever it is you young people do. And writing a review on iTunes helps us a great deal.

If you want to email us, you can do that here. If you want to be a “fan” of ours on Facebook, sigh, you can do that here.

To get this episode directly, right click and save here. To subscribe to Rum Doings click here, or you can find it in iTunes here.

Welcome to our web of lies. Become entwined in Episode 36‘s multitude of untruthful deceit. Be deceived by our woven evil. Then listen as John’s house falls down.

And while pictures are appearing, here’s that bench:

Then, pear/blueberry cider lengthily discussed, we get around to reading out some of the last million years of emails. And you kept telling us to do this, so you can’t complain.

Does Coke taste better out of a glass? What are the odds of sitting in the United States? Should we stop whining?

Is Nick’s science dodgy? Is that a microphone, or are you just pleased to be recording a podcast? Is Rupert Murdoch Australian? Is Nick safe in your dreams?

Is there a more awful hairdressers name than this?

We then sidetrack into discussing Richard Herring’s As It Occurs To Me, at some length. Then when the name-dropping begins, Douglas Adams.

Make us more famous than the moon. Tweet it, Facebook it, do whatever it is you young people do. And writing a review on iTunes helps us a great deal.

If you want to email us, you can do that here. If you want to be a “fan” of ours on Facebook, sigh, you can do that here.

To get this episode directly, right click and save here. To subscribe to Rum Doings click here, or you can find it in iTunes here.

It’s a back to basics, good old fashioned family values 35th episode of Rum Doings. Just Nick, John, a microphone and a disgusting bottle of rum. And this week we’re not discussing whether FIFA should have to bring in the rule that they should have the cameras in the goal posts to see if the goals are scored instigated.

We bring you some genuinely excellent news from Sainsbury’s (which apparently might be quite old news), and then move on to talk about John’s weekend break, and the joys of a British B&B. This of course involves tales of ketchup and coffee.

We talk about awful people, and responses to cold callers. Nick predicts the end-times, which brings us to the stories about the BP methane bubble. And where exactly does oil come from?

We finish by talking about Raoul Moat, although this was recorded before Cameron made his remarkable comments about feeling no sympathy.

Propel us into international fame. Tweet it, Facebook it, do whatever it is you young people do. And writing a review on iTunes helps us a great deal.

If you want to email us, you can do that here. If you want to be a “fan” of ours on Facebook, sigh, you can do that here.

To get this episode directly, right click and save here. To subscribe to Rum Doings click here, or you can find it in iTunes here.

Welcome to Rum Doings 34, what must be the most interrupted podcast of all the podcasts that we have podcasted. This week we’re not talking about whether CCTV cameras have made our lives safer.

Imbibed is a black cherry soda, which we risk drinking without protective goggles. And then within mere minutes the first phonecall arrives. And a cat.

We attempt to explain BP’s real crime, and then the phone rings yet again. Listen in to Nick’s conversations! Be slightly bemused by what’s going on! Don’t call John’s mum!

A period of no interruptions features chat about Richard Herring, ordering wine, and ketchup. And then there’s a knock at the front door.

We then sniff a baby. Who becomes our very special guest, chattering away into the microphone, so quietly we couldn’t hear it ourselves at first.

There’s some actual content when we talk about DVDs, piracy, and DRM. And why some businesses insist on telling their shareholders how badly they’re doing.

Propel us into international fame. Tweet it, Facebook it, do whatever it is you young people do. And writing a review on iTunes helps us a great deal.

If you want to email us, you can do that here. If you want to be a “fan” of ours on Facebook, sigh, you can do that here.

To get this episode directly, right click and save here. To subscribe to Rum Doings click here, or you can find it in iTunes here.

Welcome to Episode 33 of Rum Doings, an episode with a lot of introduction. Not discussed is whether Andy Murray has given up his hope to be the golden boy of British tennis.

Our slightly room temperature root beers come from a fridge that later investigation revealed to in fact be on 3. Put your fridges to 4, everybody.

We then attempt nostalgia comedy of the present, before drinking our illegal beverage. Nick does a splendid impression of a loud noise you’ll have just heard, and then we talk Thatcher.

We reveal why John’s girlfriend has had to be put down, the Nazi origins of John’s new car, and Nick explains why fried chicken is best. Christianity is renamed, houses are purchased through staring, and incredibly, John is doing some exercise.

Nick dies, John’s hirsute nature is discussed, we ponder those who swim, and we laugh at butterfly stroke. Some Martin Coxall anecdotes are shared, and then Nick reviews Red Dead Redemption. Then all of gaming.

And what do you think about people who read paperback books on the tube? And what if it’s by Jackie Collings?

Sing operas of us to the world. Tweet it, Facebook it, do whatever it is you young people do. And writing a review on iTunes helps us a great deal. Cool people do it. You want to be in the cool gang.

If you want to email us, you can do that here. If you want to be a “fan” of ours on Facebook, sigh, you can do that here.

To get this episode directly, right click and save here. To subscribe to Rum Doings click here, or you can find it in iTunes here.

In our 32nd podcast, with Nick fully recovered from last week’s cold, we don’t discuss EEEEEEEERRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN.

We cover all bases when discussing football, ponder Trident, and wonder if cream teas work abroad. Then via coming out stories we discuss the James Randi Educational Foundation million dollar prize, dowsing, and how cold reading works. Then there’s memories of some of the funniest moments of Magician Uri Geller looking like a fraud and a fool. Unfortunately the programme On Holiday With The Gellers is not on 4oD. But please do enjoy his being exposed by James Randi on Johnny Carson’s show:

Sadly we cannot link to the clip from Leverage, due to the pathetic stupidity of TNT demanding that the free promotion of the programme be removed from YouTube. But we do discuss a number of television programmes that have professed to demonstrate paranormal powers, and some that have set out to do the opposite. We consider the complexity of stochasticity, the uncomfortable nature of pranks, and we wonder at the wisdom of the NHS’s “Wake Up To Rape” campaign.

Meet John’s sock puppet boss. And then there’s a few words on the budget. Which you’ll not be surprised to learn end up being more about the Matrix and how we annoy our friends.

Trumpet the excitement of us to the world. Tweet it, Facebook it, do whatever it is you young people do. And writing a review on iTunes helps us a great deal. Cool people do it. You want to be in the cool gang.

If you want to email us, you can do that here. If you want to be a “fan” of ours on Facebook, sigh, you can do that here.

To get this episode directly, right click and save here. To subscribe to Rum Doings click here, or you can find it in iTunes here.

In an unprecedented 31st episode of Rum Doings we don’t discuss whether we are dissatisfied with the results of the Liberal Tory coalition.

Instead we attempt to muster some sense of interest in the football, but far more quickly find rounders and six year old cricket more interesting. There’s thoughts on how Americans are much better at spelling than the British, potential new reality shows, and Biker Grove facts.

Can you own slippers without a pipe? Who is the best audience for easy comedy? And how tidy should your desktop be? And we explore new territory in removing the funny from comedy.

We recall our most dangerous teachers, and most criminal teachers, and plans to help gym teachers. Court-based naughty steps, short-cuts in French, and idling on runways. Then some clear rules about speaking on public transport.

Trumpet the excitement of us to the world. Tweet it, Facebook it, do whatever it is you young people do. And writing a review on iTunes helps us a great deal. Cool people do it. You want to be in the cool gang.

If you want to email us, you can do that here. If you want to be a “fan” of ours on Facebook, sigh, you can do that here.

To get this episode directly, right click and save here. To subscribe to Rum Doings click here, or you can find it in iTunes here.

As you know we mark our every 10th episode with something very special. Our Now Show edition, special celebrity guest John Finnemore, and then for episode 30… John’s girlfriend Laura! Calm down.

Yes, indeed, episode 30 of Rum Doings contains a girl.

Ew.

The topic of this episode to not discuss: What are we to do about the tragedy of the increasing dearth of Britain’s dwindling bees. Population.

Obviously we recognise that a girl being on the podcast will upset a lot of people, so if you wish to send her hate mail, please address it to this address.

We wonder at how a couple splits its mp3 collection, slander John’s childhood girlfriends, and and listen as John’s cat Dexter pathetically mews at the door. We concur that the Midlands are in the North, and then make sure we lose all our Midlander listeners.

There’s discussion of how bad episode 1 was, and how Laura is mad. Which science is best, and why Nick doesn’t believe in Thor. John’s job is pulled to pieces, with suggestions of features about Dexter in the Economist. Nick then sings the arcades. And what’s wrong with a job building sandcastles?

Then we become Top Gear, with our amazing analysis of cupholders in a Toyota Yaris. If you’re having trouble getting to sleep, listen to this part of the podcast. Or start knitting. And would Eurovision work in America?

Inform everyone you know. At all costs, promote us. And writing a review on iTunes helps us a great deal. Cool people do it. You want to be in the cool gang.

If you want to email us, you can do that here. If you want to be a “fan” of ours on Facebook, for some dreadful reason, you can do that here.

To get this episode directly, right click and save here. To subscribe to Rum Doings click here, or you can find it in iTunes here.

Welcome to a live episode 29 of Rum Doings, recorded at the precise moment you choose to listen to it.

Nick begins with a quick impression of John’s girlfriend, before explaining our topic for the day: Do we in England still have any politicians who are honest now, left?

Dark secrets are revealed about the prisoners in John’s basement, and then his racism against glasses. Nick demonstrates some rather disturbing biological news, reveals Michael Jackson’s tastes in cervixceeses, and John attempts an Elmo impression.

Find out how you are made of Coco Pops. We leap from National Trust houses to the powerful effect of John’s kisses. Can you polish a turd?

And then our treatise on how everything must be done in one trip. And unshopping. Lenny Henry joins the Radio 4 Curse, Money Box Live fails to get a caller under 90, and we remember what we found funny when we were stupid.

Nick then courts controversy once more, raising our most comment-enangering subject once again.

Inform everyone you know. At all costs, promote us. And writing a review on iTunes helps us a great deal. Cool people do it. You want to be in the cool gang.

If you want to email us, you can do that here. If you want to be a “fan” of ours on Facebook, for some dreadful reason, you can do that here.

To get this episode directly, right click and save here. To subscribe to Rum Doings click here, or you can find it in iTunes here.

Episode 28 of Rum Doings is not discussing: Why can an Englishman not defend his home by shooting a burglar in the back.

This week John has a headache. So we talk about headaches. You know how we are.

What else do we bring up? Television programmes we enjoy watching with our eyes. More dangerous ways of distributing gas. We argue about Doctor Who and sitcoms. We realise Rum Doings needs a trombonist. In fact, most of an orchestra. Of buskers. We learn how Nick lets his daughter suffocate, how long John’s been a crybaby, and plans for genre twists. Can you Chinese-burn yourself? Can you touch your own winky? And what exactly is the fabric of our universe? And why don’t the Jews like it?

Inform everyone you know. At all costs, promote us. And writing a review on iTunes helps us a great deal. Cool people do it. You want to be in the cool gang.

If you want to email us, you can do that here. If you want to be a “fan” of ours on Facebook, for some dreadful reason, you can do that here.

To get this episode directly, right click and save here. To subscribe to Rum Doings click here, or you can find it in iTunes here.