Annoyingly in Episode 98 of Rum Doings, we don’t discuss which letters of the alphabet should be removed. But instead we gain insight into the tragedy of John’s life.

We learn how Philadelphian trains cause rampant terrorism, paedophilia and puns. Nick dunks himself into a nice mug of tea, and we consider the artificial nature of jellyfish, the artifice of Hollywood, the artistry of The Artist, and how we hit our wives.

Did Nick ever microwave his baby? Does Dexter still have a pee-pee? Are Smarties right for you? And then we talk about Rock, Paper, Shotgun’s hack, before we move onto Nick’s extraordinary array of retro computer floppy disc sound effects. It’s a thing to behold. Finally we celebrate American diners, then question whether such a thing is possible without poorly paid illegal immigrants.

We really do ask you to write a review on iTunes. It makes a massive difference, and helps other people to pay attention to the podcast. Thank you to everyone who has – we’ve some lovely reviews. The more that appear, the more likely iTunes is to take us more seriously. And keep on tweeting and so forth. Please – it’s the only thing we ask of you. And don’t forget to give us a million pounds.

Make sure to follow us on Twitter @rumdoings. If you want to email us, you can do that here. If you want to be a “fan” of ours on Facebook, which apparently people still do, you can do that here.

To get this episode directly, right click and save here. To subscribe to Rum Doings click here, or you can find it in iTunes here.

Or you can listen to it right here!

In a pre-recorded episode 97 of Rum Doings, we don’t discuss this week’s SOPA activities because we recorded this weeks ago. But it’s the final part of our Judge Coxcombe trilogy, where we take questions from the audience. We begin with some real life, and then quickly get into cuddly character as we question Nick’s absence. We celebrate making money by letting things be free, and then impressively we DO talk about SOPA! We are prescient.

Then we turn to the Twitters to solve your woes. The choice between trifle and banana crunch! Whether Mark Kermode is a big twit (he is)! Dealing with txtspk! The future of newspapers! These exclamation marks feel inappropriate!

We ponder Kunstler, whether it’s okay to associate with people who like George Galloway, how marshmallows predict your future, and the hypothetical kitchen of Nicholas Mailer. And who will Baby Judith grow up to be?

We really do ask you to write a review on iTunes. It makes a massive difference, and helps other people to pay attention to the podcast. Thank you to everyone who has – we’ve some lovely reviews. The more that appear, the more likely iTunes is to take us more seriously. And keep on tweeting and so forth. Please – it’s the only thing we ask of you. And don’t forget to give us a million pounds.

Make sure to follow us on Twitter @rumdoings. If you want to email us, you can do that here. If you want to be a “fan” of ours on Facebook, which apparently people still do, you can do that here.

To get this episode directly, right click and save here. To subscribe to Rum Doings click here, or you can find it in iTunes here.

Or you can listen to it right here!

I recently received the most extraordinary press release, ostensibly sent to me because I’m a games journalist, about the dangers of “Text Neck”. Often when you see something like this it’s a joke, a spoof that eventually links to a game. But this one was entirely serious.

This new phenomenon is caused by “frequent texting or looking down at your mobile device for extended periods of time”. And guess who says this? Why, it’s chiropractors. According to these bastions of medical science, “it is on the rise and is quickly becoming a global epidemic.” That’s honestly their quote.

Ignoring the notion that perhaps people’s propensity to read books for the last few thousand years might have generated similar symptoms, these not-doctors inform us that such activity can cause check soreness and headaches, and even arthritis! If left untreated. Of course. And how?

Why, you could use Topical BioMedics’ Topicin Pain Relief and Healing Cream! And what is Topicin, that this press release fails to mention? It’s a homeopathic remedy, and thus a tube of placebo.

On their website, which hilariously has blocked right-clicking, they state:

“Topricin’s patented homeopathic biomedicine technology is proven effective for arthritis and joint injuries, carpal tunnel and other neuropathies, lower back pain and muscle cramps, night leg cramps and restless leg syndrome.”

And what is their proof that their non-medicine containing medicine is effective, for both arthritis and restless leg syndrome? They don’t see fit to share that anywhere on their website. So I’ve contacted them asking for the relevant studies. I’m going to be most impressed to find out how the different creams are differently formulated to deal with specific types of pain in specific regions. Like your feet. Which have their own form of pain, it seems.

The company’s CEO, Lou Paradise, doesn’t appear to have any medical qualifications at all, but rather boasts many years researching his product. Confusingly, he appears to be convinced by both herbal remedies and homeopathy, which one might think directly contradict one another. However, he is a decorated marine who fought in Vietnam, which clearly adds a lot of credence to his claims.

The company’s COO curiously has the same last name as the CEO, and also doesn’t appear to carry any expertise within the medical field. The incredibly named Aurora Paradise focuses on marketing. Then there’s the Executive Vice President, Stephen Duricko, who, er, doesn’t have any medical qualifications, but did once work for an HMO!

And that’s their declared team. But hey, the people from the stock photos above them sure look cheery!

The rest of the press release explains how chiropractor, Richard Young, DC of South Carolina, likes to use Topricin products in his practice. Which is a perfect fit, since chiropractic treatment is bullshit too. But don’t want to resort to medicine? The press release has some handy tips!

-Raise your mobile device so it is aligned with your eyes when you read and text

-Take frequent breaks every 15 minutes and look straight ahead while tucking the chin back towards the neck every few minutes

-Stretch your hands: squeeze a stress ball and stretch your chest by standing up straight with your arms down at your side

For a long and happy texting life.

I was then offered samples of Topricin if I offered my mailing address. Instead I accidentally replied,

“Hi.

What a load of lies and nonsense.

Please remove me from your mailing list immediately.”

You can read the full press release below:

As electronic devices like smartphones, e-readers and tablets become the devices of choice for the tech crowd, add ‘text neck’ to your new digital dictionary.

Text neck results from frequent texting or looking down at your mobile device for extended periods of time and chiropractors say it is on the rise and is quickly becoming a global epidemic.

The repetitive stress injury caused by flexing of the neck for prolonged periods can result in tightness across the shoulder, cause headaches and neck soreness and can even result in permanent arthritic damage if left untreated.

Richard Young, DC, a chiropractor who practices at Young Chiropractic Clinic in Darlington, SC says the common factor in this type of neck condition is inflammation. The area around the muscle, ligament or nerve is inflamed, which means there is fluid in the tissue trying to aid the healing process.

Pain relief products such as Topical BioMedics’ Topricin Pain Relief and Healing Cream can help provide relief from symptoms of text neck.

Topricin Pain Relief and Healing Cream helps to heal the damage that is causing pain – naturally, with no grease or odor. The soothing cream contains eleven natural ingredients that target pain by stimulating the body’s healing process to reduce inflammation, detoxification and improving circulation to the injured area to relieve the symptoms of lower back, neck and shoulder pain.

Dr. Young uses Topricin as his preferred remedy to treat the symptoms of text neck and tells his patients to first apply Topricin to the affected area to reduce swelling in the muscle and ligament tissues.

Topricin is formulated for maximum absorption so Dr. Young’s patients can apply as much Topricin as they need with no fear of overuse or interferences with other medications.

“My patients find that Topricin immediately provides soothing relief from text neck. The product relaxes their muscle spasms, increases their mobility, reduces pain and helps to prevent scar tissue formation,” says Dr. Young. “Patients benefit greatly from the use of Topricin for text neck because it reduces their healing time and eliminates the necessity for a prolonged treatment plan.”

Here are some tips for preventing text neck:

-Raise your mobile device so it is aligned with your eyes when you read and text

-Take frequent breaks every 15 minutes and look straight ahead while tucking the chin back towards the neck every few minutes

-Stretch your hands: squeeze a stress ball and stretch your chest by standing up straight with your arms down at your side

Topricin is available in a convenient, on-the-go 2-ounce size ($16.95) and is just the right size to store in a purse, briefcase, backpack, first aid kit, glove compartment or sports bag. The product is also available in two larger sizes: 4-ounce jar ($24.95) and 8-ounce bottle ($39.95).

Topricin is available in pharmacies, natural food stores, and other fine retailers nationwide, including Whole Foods, Vitamin Shoppe, Vitamin World, Fred Meyer, Wegmans, and other retail stores throughout the U.S., as well as direct from the Topical BioMedics’ online store.

To learn more about Topricin, go to http://www/topricin.com

I’d be happy to provide you with samples of Topricin for your consideration. Please send me your mailing address and we’ll get the samples right out to you.

Please feel free to contact me if you have any questions at XXXXXXXXXX.

Many thanks in advance for your consideration.

I’ve been bleating away on Twitter all day, probably to the horror of anyone who doesn’t follow me via RPS or Rum Doings, and making my opinions on SOPA and PIPA well known. Rather than repeating the definitions of these Acts, and why they’re the most dangerous infringements of free speech and a free internet imaginable, you can learn all that from here.

But there’s something I want to comment on specifically, and it doesn’t fit in a tweet. I’ve tried. Lots of times.

This line from Kotaku’s missive on why they haven’t blacked out their site as part of today’s international protest sums part of it up for me:

“It’s no wonder that an outfit like the League of Legends creators at Riot Games read that and worry that a livestream of a great LoL match could be found in violation of SOPA the moment someone starts singing the lyrics of a copyrighted song on it. Is that really the kind of stifling of the Internet the writers of SOPA and PIPA are seeking?”

Yes! Yes it is. That is precisely the internet they’re seeking. It seems so outlandish that so many news outlets are phrasing it as if it’s a reductio ad absurdum, throwing their hands up and saying, “This bill’s so crazy it would lead to these wacky outcomes!” as if such a result is a parody of the poorly written nature of the bill.

This is to so frighteningly miss the point as to be all but helping those crafting such bills. By reducing the very intent of terrified industries – they who built their empires around plastic squares and discs that have since been rendered pointless – to a perceived exaggeration, something apparently so laughable as to parody the bills’ intentions, is to ignore the reality of what we are facing.

The terrified industries, built up around an illusion of digital ideas having physical forms, are desperate. Like a dying wild animal, trapped in a corner, they are lashing out with their last strength, and they will do anything, go to any extent, to survive. But it doesn’t matter how many children and grandmothers they sue, how many bands and singers they bankrupt and ring out to dry, how big their lies, nor how outrageous their political influence, the reaction is always the same: “They’ll be banning us from singing in the shower next!”

Yes. They will. They are so desperate for control in a world that is increasingly recognising their irrelevance that they are attempting to shut down and dominate everything they can. To believe that the RIAA, BPI, etc would not charge you for humming as you drive if they could is to idiotically misunderstand the sheer bat-shit lunatic desperation we’re dealing with here. Yes, ha ha, what a silly notion. But to think it any more silly than their attempts to sue the creators of the first mp3 players, or huge efforts to ban the home VCR, is to woefully miss the point. These are the same people who bullied the world into accepting ridiculous crippling region codes on DVDs, and are able to force manufacturers to not allow customers to skip their nonsensical threatening messages at the beginning of every legally purchased film. They are the people asking us to spy on our fellow cinema goers, and turn them in if we see them filming. They are the reason your HDMI cable is capable of stopping you from watching content they decide they don’t want shown.

We’re dealing with archaic industries that were built around the impossibility of that which is now possible. Their time is up, and they know it. But they are so massive, so enormously powerful, that they are going to do everything imaginable to defend their fortunes. And that’s why we have SOPA and PIPA. They know it won’t beat piracy, because it’s immediately obvious to anyone with half a clue that it cannot. But it will give them power over the internet, that all history shows they will abuse to the most ludicrous degree. It will give them terrible control of our internet, which is presently the thing that terrifies them more than anything else: free.

The most insane thing is, they don’t quite know what for. They just know that it’s the means by which their business models are rendered pointless, and they know they currently can’t control it. They’re scared, so they’re doing something. And if you think that’s hyperbole, or plain paranoia, take the example of DRM.

DRM doesn’t work. There’s no argument about that at all. It is code that prevents a game from working properly, but only for those who bought a legitimate copy. Those who have pirated it will have the DRM disabled, and never encounter it. So it’s software that makes games awkward for customers to enjoy. That’s entirely what it does. But it’s on almost every game, from almost every publisher. And what do they do when it is shown not to do anything? They make it even worse for legitimate customers, while of course not affecting pirates in any meaningful way. This is how we end up with Ubisoft’s idiotic “always on” DRM, where legitimate customers must have a permanent internet connection constantly sending signals back and forth to and from Ubisoft, or the game switches itself off. Pirates don’t have to have the internet on to play, and their copies work just fine. People who bought the game have a version so crippled that it’s barely functional. Why is that? What’s the logic behind it? There isn’t one. There can’t be one. It’s so obviously ridiculous that no one even tries to defend it. Instead they scream about unevidenced, and usually entirely fictional, revenues lost to pirates, which is a confusing response to the question, “Why are you doing this when it doesn’t stop piracy?” They’re doing something because they’re scared.

SOPA and PIPA are something because they’re scared. And it’s a really big something. One of the biggest, stupidest somethings ever seen. This is a something so big that people are looking at the Digital Millennium Copyright Act fondly – one of the most heinous corporate-bought acts of all time, and suddenly we’re feeling nostalgic for it, because it at least offered safe harbour as it robbed the planet of its basic rights. From pure fear, and unimaginable amounts of money, SOPA and PIPA have been drafted and put forward by the entertainment industry, because they think it will at least give them a sense of control, a greased pole to grab onto as they continue their tumble into the pit. Whatever they don’t like, whatever alternate business models that might spring up to rival them via it, whatever the next massive surge of sharing is born of, they’ll be able to have it stopped at their demand. Yes, as they crush all innovation, they’ll also crush their own potential future models of income. But don’t forget these are the same bodies that fought with all their might to have the VCR banned – one of their biggest sources of revenue, then and in its many incarnations since.

So Kotaku, and just about everyone else, those outlandish wild fantasy directions you can see the wording of these acts leading toward? They’re not proof that the acts are poorly worded – they’re what the acts are intended to allow. And as you parody this, you make it easier and easier for people to ignore it, and those industry dreams to become our reality.

This is why I have stared in horror and disappointment today, as site after site who had been issuing editorials and declaring their disgust, failed to do something so simple as go dark for one day. “But we’re news outlets, we report the news, not take part in protests,” they all answered, as if their not being able to report the news for one day wasn’t exactly the point. As if failing to serve their readers wasn’t the very purpose of the protest, not a reason to scab their way out of it. The idea was to piss people off, let readers down, fail to be there in a useful form, because that is the future of every one of them if these acts get in. They literally won’t be able to run as they do. They would be gone, and today was supposed to be about showing people what that would look like. But rather than risk the ad revenue, lose readers, or whatever other motivation kept them online, they chose to not be part of the news, but report the news, somewhat missing the irony that it’s their own future they were supposed to be fighting for. They stayed up, and they said, “Aren’t these acts silly! They’d let…” exactly what is going to happen, happen.

It couldn’t be more timely. Two days after I kicked off a bit of a debate about whether it’s appropriate for writers to work for free for professional publications (no, it’s not), Imagine Publishing’s website NowGamer has launched a “competition” to find someone who’ll write for their site, on a regular basis, for no money.

Dressed up as an act of altruistic generosity, the site suggests that this will be an amazing opportunity for a writer to receive exposure on their site. What they don’t point out is how it’s a great way for the site to add regular content without paying for it. Content that will generate them ad revenue, and go toward paying the salaries of their staff. Servants get paid. This is a position below servant.

The title reads:

“Love games? Got a voice? Then you need a blog on NowGamer!”

No you don’t. You really don’t need a blog on a site that is looking to take advantage of someone’s desire for exposure at the expense of their dignity. This refrain that it’s “good for your CV” is such a wretched thing to be said. SO IS A PAID JOB.

There’s no need for me to repeat all the reasons why writing for free is wrong, both for you, and for everyone else in the industry – they’re in the post below.

It’s shocking to me to see a publication being so brazen about what I can only see as exploitation. Perhaps they’ve convinced themselves that they’re doing good in giving someone “exposure”, and have so far avoided thinking about how they would never allow themselves to receive the same treatment.

And what they call a “blog” is in fact filed on the site as a “column”. The column is generally the best paid part of any site, since it’s something given to a specific writer that the site or magazine specifically wants to be writing regularly for them. It’s not a feature any staff writer can fill. It’s something peculiar to that writer, with their name at the top, and thus generally they are paid for at a premium. The cheek of wanting someone to fill such a role for them, without paying, is astonishing.

They sell this by saying,

“Having a published blog is a great way of getting a start in videogames journalism, or you may just have a lot to say about games and want a platform for your opinion. Either way, you’ll be writing alongside some of the industry’s best games journalists.”

Yes, and they’ll be being paid. You won’t. What form of “alongside” is that, exactly?

As the excellent Steve Hogarty pointed out on Twitter, if you want a blog you can get one. You don’t need it to be generating money to pay these guys’ wages.

Imagine – this is shameful. Please stop this immediately. If you cannot afford to pay for a new columnist on your site, I suggest not advertising for one. Especially in a way designed to trick young writers into devaluing their (and thus everyone else’s) words and work to zero.

Edit: Astonishingly, one of the NowGamer writers explains that doing this is “not work”, because it’s a blog. That’s why it’s free. Good grief.

In episode 96 of Rum Doings, the second part of our Judge Coxcombe Trilogy, we don’t discuss whether Windows 8 will be Microsoft’s Window’s Vista, but we do contemplate whether Nick can love himself.

We celebrate the remarkable hero, BushMan, remember when people liked Adrian Chiles, then look forward to seeing Eurovision in a rat-infested shed. Then things fall apart as we disagree on the colours of the days of the week.

Would we teleport? How come Star Trek was so rubbish at computers? Was Ted Heath asexual? And who will be the next leaders of various UK parties? And American. And Russian. We confirm the end of the world, and then it gets really boring when Nick and Martin go on and on about programming languages.

We really do ask you to write a review on iTunes. It makes a massive difference, and helps other people to pay attention to the podcast. Thank you to everyone who has – we’ve some lovely reviews. The more that appear, the more likely iTunes is to take us more seriously. And keep on tweeting and so forth. Please – it’s the only thing we ask of you. And don’t forget to give us a million pounds.

Make sure to follow us on Twitter @rumdoings. If you want to email us, you can do that here. If you want to be a “fan” of ours on Facebook, which apparently people still do, you can do that here.

To get this episode directly, right click and save here. To subscribe to Rum Doings click here, or you can find it in iTunes here.

Or you can listen to it right here!

A lot of people have responded to the list below by disputing the not working for free clause. I wanted to expand on it a little.

First of all, it’s important to note I wrote “for professionals”. i.e. sites that make money. That’s the crucial point. Writing for sites that don’t make money for free is a good idea. Amateur sites, whether they have ambition to become professional or not, are a great place for writers to cut their teeth. They’re a thing that didn’t exist when I was starting out. In fact, my career began in the gap between the popularity of zines, and the existence of gaming websites. So it’s something I know isn’t necessary for success, but certainly very helpful.

Writing for such sites is a good way to practice your craft, learn the skills of writing, and get noticed. Exposing that work in public is great too, because you’ll get used to feedback. It’s something you can refer to when contacting editors, and it’s also something editors may well be reading themselves.

But it doesn’t need to be an established site. Your own blog is a great place to be writing. The important thing is that you’re writing, getting better, and building up a stock of links you can send to editors. When you email an editor to suggest they give you work, you pick out two or three of your best pieces and you put those links in there. It’s an instant way to prove yourself.

So, to be incredibly clear: there is nothing wrong with writing for free for non-profit making sites. (So long as that site is not making profit for everyone involved.)

BUT, there IS something incredibly wrong with writing for free for sites that do make money. For the reasons I gave in the tips list. And it doesn’t matter how many people tell me it was how they got started, I still absolutely believe it to be wrong.

Certainly people will get started that way – some people get past the exploitation stage. But it is being exploited, and if you’re just starting out, I don’t want that to happen to you. And it’s for the two reasons I gave:

1) You devalue your words. Those words are going to be used to make money for that site/mag, and you’re not getting any of it. That’s deeply insulting to you, and establishes your effort as worthless. Just as soon as you’re in a position to expect money for your efforts, why wouldn’t they ditch you and move on to the next sucker?

2) You’re encouraging a culture that allows this exploitation to take place. You’re as much a part of it as the unscrupulous editors who line their pockets with your work. When you work for free, you ensure the expectation that others must work for free. And further, you devalue the work of everyone else too. If your words are worth nothing, then my words are worth nothing.

Freelancers have a crappy time of it. I received an email last night from someone who hasn’t been paid by any of the outlets he works for for three months, and doesn’t know what to do. It’s normal in this industry for sites and mags to delay payment to freelancers by as much as they can (usually a minimum of two months), and even then they’ll “forget” to pay you, and not be in any hurry to remember. Accounts Payable will say the editor hasn’t clicked the right button, the editor will say Accounts Payable haven’t processed the payment, and neither will be bothered to rush to fix it until you make a real pain of yourself. Future were hideous at this, with barely a month going by where I didn’t have to send repeated emails and make phone calls to get paid properly. Freelancers tend to notice interesting patterns, like how payments for big articles strangely don’t turn up the wrong side of a financial year. These companies literally don’t care, because as a freelancer you’ve barely any rights. If you have a contract, the chances are it will be a list of ways they can screw you, rather than protect you. And most don’t have a contract at all. If you make a fuss, they don’t need to fire you, pay you severance pay, or risk an employment tribunal. They just don’t call you up to offer work the next day/month. And they know you know that, and they know you’re terrified that if you make too much fuss you’re screwed.

That’s the position people getting paid to work are in. So going into that mire and accepting working for free is endorsing every one of those scummy practices, and encouraging publications to continue not paying people to fill their pages, and their wallets. It’s an insult to you, and it’s an insult to me. And I don’t care how much it helps someone fill a portfolio, it’s the wrong way to fill it. So, like I said,

3) Never work for free for professionals. This is a no compromise position. When you’re starting out, that’s when you must insist on being paid, or walk away. Sure, it may open doors, but they’re doors leading to unscrupulous scumbags who prey on the enthusiastic and the poor. And worse, and this is incredibly serious, not only are you cheapening – even devaluing – your own work, but you’re doing the same for anyone else in the industry. If you work, for free, you make words worth nothing, and that’s a disservice to everyone else.

There’s another round of these “tips for young games journalists” floating about at the moment, and they trouble me. Their core appears to be capitulation, rather than principle. So here are some tips for young journalists I’d like to suggest.

1) This isn’t the only job you’re capable of, and you’re not a failure if you choose to leave it. Writing about games seems, on the surface, a dream job. But there’s no such thing as a dream job, and it is of course a great deal of hard work, intermingled with the enormous pleasure of playing games. The industry is a mucky place, and the pay is invariably dreadful. There are many great things about it, but there’s lots that sucks too. Your life can be utterly brilliant without this job.

2) This job is a not a privilege. It’s something you got by being good at what you do – you earned it. Anyone who tells you it’s a privilege is trying to get something from you they shouldn’t have. That’s the language of those who want you to do just a little bit more work than they’re paying you for, or put up with conditions that don’t feel appropriate. If you’re getting work in this industry, the chances are it’s because you’re much better than most the people who try to get it. You need to know that, because the advantage is in your court.

3) Never work for free for professionals. This is a no compromise position. When you’re starting out, that’s when you must insist on being paid, or walk away. Sure, it may open doors, but they’re doors leading to unscrupulous scumbags who prey on the enthusiastic and the poor. And worse, and this is incredibly serious, not only are you cheapening – even devaluing – your own work, but you’re doing the same for anyone else in the industry. If you work, for free, you make words worth nothing, and that’s a disservice to everyone else. I’ve been doing this job for 13 years now, and I still piss people off by asking “How much?” when they say, “Can you do me a favour?” If they phoned a plumber and said, “It’s just one tap, can you do us a favour?” they would be hung up on. Hang up on them.

4) If you’re trying to get into this career because you love playing games, go away and play games. Seriously, you’re wasting everyone’s time. If you love writing, communicating, entertaining and infecting others with your passion, then you’re in the right place.

5) You have a choice. You can be the sort of writer who gains respect through your integrity, honesty, and excellence in writing, or you can combine any of those elements with sucking up to ads people, PRs, or publishers. It’s so tempting to do. If I do them this favour, they’ll do me that favour. But it’s optional, and it never feels good.

6) Stand up to PRs. Everyone is very keen to point out that they’re people too – well of course they are. Most of them are really lovely people – that’s why they get jobs in PR. But something has gone very wrong in this industry, where PRs are now the gatekeepers to information about games, selling it to the highest bidder, screwing over mags or websites that don’t follow their dance, and sending out embargoes from publishers that literally threaten to sue your publication for millions of pounds should you step outside of their rules. Rules they will inevitably not keep themselves. It’s a farce, and it’s only more farcical because all you’re trying to do is give their game some promotion. It only works because every bloody publication capitulates and obeys. Challenge them. Complain. Always be polite, but be firm too. They’re trying to see how much they can get away with.

7) Say no to review trips. I learned this one the hard way, and now will only consider a review trip if I have complete control. Review trips sound amazing – you fly somewhere, probably somewhere warm in America, and get to be the first person in the world to play a game! Except, you play the game in completely inappropriate surroundings, in far too short a time, inevitably accompanied by a PR or developer telling you over your shoulder, “Oh, that will be fixed when we release,” making the job completely impossible to do properly. I will now only say yes to review trips from Valve, because they leave you alone (to the point where you have to figure out how to get out of the building when everyone else has gone home) to get on with it, with no interference. Anyone else has to offer the same conditions.

8) Here’s one every one of these lists will include, but it’s massively important: read. Read and read. Because you’ll absorb, and learn. Reading a great writer who structures a great sentence is infectious. Noticing how writing is good is great for recognising how writing is bad. Actually study. Work out why it is that an article by Kieron Gillen is utterly compelling and entertaining. Absorb how Simon Parkin or Christian Donlan tells you a story. Understand what it is about Tom Bramwell’s writing that makes you feel like you’re his friend. And read the masters, study the all-time greats, the siphoned, hilarious anger of Stuart Campbell, or the astonishing eloquence of Jonathan Nash’s nonsense. Be a sponge to greatness, and then let it infect your own unique, distinct voice.

9) Honour yourself. If something feels wrong, it’s probably wrong, so don’t do it. Say no to it. An editor, a few years back, called me and said, “John, we want you to go to the South of France for a week. They’ll give you the code for the game while you’re there, and you can bring it back to review. We’re asking you because we trust you not to be corrupted by this.” My reply, grimacing in the face of rejecting a free holiday in the South of France was, “The reason you trust me is because I say no to trips like this.” Work hard enough to earn the money to buy a holiday in the South of France. It’ll be worth it.

10) Make a fuss. Good grief, the number of times I’ve not been paid for work, or screwed over in some way, is awful. It’s generally down to incompetence rather than malice, but it’s unacceptable. Don’t roll over. Don’t accept disguised pay reductions. Make a stand – contact your colleagues and have them join you. I’ve literally created temporary unions among freelancers to stand up to employers who have tried to introduce disguised pay cuts, and forced them to back down. You can too.

11) Move on. Everyone’s made mistakes in this industry. I’ve messed up on all the tips I’ve put above. But you can be haunted by your mistakes in very unhelpful ways. I famously screwed up the Force Commander review, twelve years ago, and people still mock me for it. It took me so many years to own that mistake, and it cost me terrible amounts of confidence, and still makes me feel sick, even though I can’t even remember how I got it so wrong. Everyone has a similar story, but don’t let it define you.

12) Care. If you care, all those vital things like an opinion, a voice, a style will come through. You can tell those who don’t care, the contrarians, the compromisers, the corporate copywriters. They’re wretched. Don’t be them.

In episode 95 of Rum Doings, we’re re-joined by regular guest Judge Coxcombe. Who receives a rich welcome.

There are Latin grammar lessons, book recommendations for Nick, and words for winkies. John argues against word gender, Martin talks Dick, and the loveliness of quantum mechanics. There are more book reviews, the contentious early versions of the Gospel of Mark, and how John De Lancie wrote the Bible. And are Nick and John… the same person?

We really do ask you to write a review on iTunes. It makes a massive difference, and helps other people to pay attention to the podcast. Thank you to everyone who has – we’ve some lovely reviews. The more that appear, the more likely iTunes is to take us more seriously. And keep on tweeting and so forth. Please – it’s the only thing we ask of you. And don’t forget to give us a million pounds.

Make sure to follow us on Twitter @rumdoings. If you want to email us, you can do that here. If you want to be a “fan” of ours on Facebook, which apparently people still do, you can do that here.

To get this episode directly, right click and save here. To subscribe to Rum Doings click here, or you can find it in iTunes here.

Or you can listen to it right here!

Rum Doings Episode 94 begins with quite the clanger. John’s freshly appointed wife reveals she is carrying Nick’s lovechild. (Also, we can’t count and thought this would go out after the New Year.) Which is only appropriate, since this pre-recorded episode (as opposed to those we perform live in your ears) contains our offering advice to our listeners. Our rubbish, rubbish listeners.

John has recently discovered the splendid podcast, My Brother My Brother And Me, and as is always the way of the great artistic minds, wanted to copy it. Incorrectly stating that they no longer take questions from listeners, thus attempting to fill a gap that’s already filled just fine, we begin by suggesting meeting women at refuge shelters. We are keeping it classy.

How to deal with loose skin, survive a mortgage, fake your own death (and indeed get away with your own murder), things to do in the bath, how to marry cats and dogs, and then we move on to just being horrible racists as usual. We consider how much better life is if you don’t live as if you’re constantly about to be burgled or stolen from, and much discussion of wee. We then get a weeny bit more serious and address a final question on social anxiety disorder, with some genuinely sensible advice.

And don’t take our insults too personally – we love you all, even though you’re all so rubbish.

As ever, please consider writing a review on iTunes. It’s a really good way of raising our profile. Thank you to everyone who has – we’ve some lovely reviews. The more that appear, the more likely iTunes is to take us more seriously. And keep on tweeting and so forth. Please – it’s the only thing we ask of you. Oh, and commission us for a radio show.

Make sure to follow us on Twitter @rumdoings. If you want to email us, you can do that here. If you want to be a “fan” of ours on Facebook, which apparently people still do, you can do that here.

To get this episode directly, right click and save here. To subscribe to Rum Doings click here, or you can find it in iTunes here.

Or you can listen to it right here!