John Walker's Electronic House

The Rules

by on Nov.07, 2005, under Rules

It’s come to my attention that people aren’t obeying The Rules.

It has further come to my attention that this might be because no one has bothered to write them down. I plan to do this, probably over the course of my life. When I die, exalted, these rules shall govern Earth, and a utopia will preside.

A message to anyone who considers any of the Rules to be “intolerant”: You are attempting to excuse your wanton inability to follow this entirely reasonable Rule by transfering the intense guilt and shame you feel onto the author responsible for highlighting your crime. Also: You are being stupid. Being intolerant of stupidity is the only hope the human race has left.

More rules will be added to the permalinked page here. Alerts will be given. Pay attention.


#1 If you think of an excellent punning name for a shop or business, you must quit your job there and then, and begin that enterprise immediately.

#2 Never go to a party which has clip art on the invite.

#3 You no longer have to pay £7 to have a conversation with your friends at the cinema. From now on you may have the same conversation with your friends in the park, for free.

#4 Look at toilets before you sit down, you idiot.

#5 If you are offered a cup of tea or coffee, that is the indication to that it’s not too much trouble. From now on, if you put this proviso on your reply, you will be obliged to leave.

#6 If you have a t-shirt with writing across your breasts, that means you’ve said it’s ok for people to read your breasts.

#7 No umbrellas.

#8 You no longer have to thank cars for stopping at zebra crossings. They’re required to stop. You don’t thank them at traffic lights, so stop it at zebra crossings as well.

#9 Get your wallet/purse out before you put your shopping on the conveyor belt.

#10 You must be involved in the digging of one hole, at least one foot deep, every year.

#11 The right to walk in front of anyone you like at any time you like because you’re pushing a buggy/stroller has been entirely revoked. You’re back to having to give a crap about anyone else again.

#12 Every time you hear someone use the word “debate” with some sort of explanation that it needs to be bigger than the norm, you absolutely must say, “mass debate” and snigger.

#13 Fake bingo calls are always funny. “Seven and three, twenty-eight.” “All the fours, nine.” “On its own, eighty-two.”

#14 Correcting grammar is to be met with a sense of reverence and awe.

#15 One type of cleaning spray for bathroom and kitchen.

#16 People who get blown up by bombs are not “brave”. They are “unlucky”. From now on, they are to only receive awards for “Misfortune”.

21 Comments for this entry

  • pharoahe_monch

    #15 One type of cleaning spray for bathroom and kitchen…. er, why?

  • KM

    Can we add to 14: “Furthermore, anyone using poor grammar in order to call someone stupid will be shot on the spot. For example: You’re stupid.”

  • admin

    Bet you wish you still had those editing powers.

    And no shooting. Just loud mockery.

  • KM

    I don’t have those editing powers because I am nice and respectful. Otherwise, I would have rewritten all of your rules in poor grammar and awful typing just to annoy you. :)

  • hard but not

    #4.b – and check for paper before starting anything.

  • Kieron Gillen

    Does this mean I have to stop being a games journalist and start my retro-Grunge style Thai restaurant, “I hate myself and I want to Thai”?


  • admin

    No, because that’s a terrible pun. You’re safe for now. And most likely, for ever.

    Of course, were you to have thought of “I Hate Myself and Want to Dye”, then you’d have to quit your job and open your hair salon for goths immediately.

  • roBurky

    I wonder if we can get some clarifications on a few of the rules.

    Most are self-explanatory and sensible, but number seven and number 10 require some explanation, I think.
    Does number sixteen still apply if it was your own bomb and went off exactly when and where it was supposed to?

  • admin

    I have added a link to number 7 that explains all.

    If you don’t understand number 10, then you receive my intolerance.

    16 – suicide bombers? Good point. They’re incredibly brave. That’s a much better argument than Kieron’s rubbish one trying to interpret it as saying that being blown up sucks the brave out of them.

  • Kowalski

    I Wait Myself And I Want To Cry – The self-serve Kleenex kiosk.

  • Feet

    If I may make a suggestion…

    Rule 17: Attempting to make “Small talk” of any kind will be punishable by a withering look and scathing sarcasm. Asking someone something if you’re genuinely interested is of course entirely acceptable.

    For example, if I go to the hair dressers\barbers I want my hair cut. I don’t want to have an inane converstaion about “where I went on my holidays” with someone whom I have no relationship with at all (beyond the maintenance of my glorious locks). Cut my hair dear girl, tell me how much I owe you, and let that be the sum total and end of our contact for another 3 months.

  • admin

    I bet one hundred thousand pounds that you’ve never in your entire life ever been asked by a hair dresser, “Where did you go on your holidays?”

    Also, you appear to be against being polite and talking to new people, not small talk. Sociopath.

  • Feet


    *hides 16 ASBOs*

    *joins underground*

  • admin

    You owe me one hundred thousand pounds now.

  • KM

    Yes, that’s all great, but where’s Brian?

  • bob_arctor

    I have been asked about my holidays by my hairdresser. The telling of this fact may count as small talk.
    Overall a very good list. I would add something about how if you know you get angry and violent when drunk you do not have the right to get drunk.

  • Richard

    so where did you go on your holiday ?

  • bob_arctor

    Austria. Skiing.

    That’s what I said. I’m not much good at small talk.

    She also didn’t get when I said “‘Twas 1337 natch.”

  • Clare

    I say thank you to people who stop at zebra crossings and traffic lights. Does that make me very, very nice or very, very bad according to rule eight?

  • admin

    Neither. But you no longer have to.

  • SuperNashwan

    Cars are only required to stop at zebra crossings once someone has moved onto it. This presents a minor life threatening dilemma for pedestrians wishing to cross, the avoidance of which I believe is worthy of some thankful acknowledgement.
    Anyway, if you’re open to suggestions, I think it should be necessary when arguing a point that if you wish to illustrate it by analogy, the analogy should actually be analogous to your point. Bonus ire for contrived references to Nazism.