It’s come to my attention that people aren’t obeying The Rules.
It has further come to my attention that this might be because no one has bothered to write them down. I plan to do this, probably over the course of my life. When I die, exalted, these rules shall govern Earth, and a utopia will preside.
A message to anyone who considers any of the Rules to be “intolerant”: You are attempting to excuse your wanton inability to follow this entirely reasonable Rule by transfering the intense guilt and shame you feel onto the author responsible for highlighting your crime. Also: You are being stupid. Being intolerant of stupidity is the only hope the human race has left.
- THE RULES
#2 Never go to a party which has clip art on the invite.
#3 You no longer have to pay £7 to have a conversation with your friends at the cinema. From now on you may have the same conversation with your friends in the park, for free.
#4 Look at toilets before you sit down, you idiot.
#5 If you are offered a cup of tea or coffee, that is the indication to that it’s not too much trouble. From now on, if you put this proviso on your reply, you will be obliged to leave.
#6 If you have a t-shirt with writing across your breasts, that means you’ve said it’s ok for people to read your breasts.
#8 You no longer have to thank cars for stopping at zebra crossings. They’re required to stop. You don’t thank them at traffic lights, so stop it at zebra crossings as well.
#9 Get your wallet/purse out before you put your shopping on the conveyor belt.
#10 You must be involved in the digging of one hole, at least one foot deep, every year.
#11 The right to walk in front of anyone you like at any time you like because you’re pushing a buggy/stroller has been entirely revoked. You’re back to having to give a crap about anyone else again.
#12 Every time you hear someone use the word “debate” with some sort of explanation that it needs to be bigger than the norm, you absolutely must say, “mass debate” and snigger.
#13 Fake bingo calls are always funny. “Seven and three, twenty-eight.” “All the fours, nine.” “On its own, eighty-two.”
#14 Correcting grammar is to be met with a sense of reverence and awe.
#15 One type of cleaning spray for bathroom and kitchen.
#16 People who get blown up by bombs are not “brave”. They are “unlucky”. From now on, they are to only receive awards for “Misfortune”.